A Scene From a Movie Starring Barack Obama as a Wealthy 27-Year-Old Investment Banker and all of the Republicans as a Really Hot, Slutty 25-Year-Old Girl

Guy (D)
Hey. Would you like to go back to my place and have sex?

Girl (R)
No.

Guy (D)
Would you like to go back to you’re place and have sex?

Girl (R)
No.

Guy (D)
I’ll buy you dinner first.

Girl (R)
Still no.

Guy (D)
We’ll go for Italian. Trattoria Demi – you’re favorite place! Chicken Parmesan.

Girl (R)
No.

Guy (D)
No Chicken Parmesan?

Girl (R)
No… And no sex.

Guy (D)
You can order whatever you want. Then dessert. With Coffee. Then I’ll drive you back to my house—

Girl (R)
Nope.

Guy (D)
Oh right — Your house. Then…

Girl (R)
Uh-uh.

Guy (D)
I’ll have a breathe mint after coffee?

Girl (R)
Doesn’t matter.

Guy (D)
Ok, listen. No sex. I just want to come over and talk.

Girl (R)
Nope. No way.

Guy (D)
Wait – hear me out first. I’ll drive you to your house. I will lay down with you and talk. We’ll cuddle – no sex – just cuddling. Lots of talking. And being concerned. I’ll be very concerned and listen to your every word while we cuddle and not have sex. I’ll ask supportive questions but not try to fix everything. Then when you drift off to sleep, I’ll get up and clean your bathroom and kitchen. I’ll do the dishes, scrub the toilet and vacuum the living roo — no, wait! You’ll be sleeping, so I’ll sweep it with a broom! It’s quieter that way. Then I’ll go sleep on the couch so there’s no chance that I’ll come in and spoon you and lazily let my hand land on your boob “in my sleep” or “by accident.” How does this all sound?

Girl (R)
Not gonna happen.