As I predicted, Michael Bolton went home last week. My wife tells me that he made the rounds on the talk shows demanding an apology from the foreign judge. I guess the foreign one said that Bolton did “the worst jive ever.” Which was true. Still, it hurt Michael’s feelings and made him cry. I guess you don’t write all those crappy love songs without being overly sensitive. Good riddance, crybaby.
It’s “Story Night.” I don’t know what the hell that means. I expect it means there will be a lot more cheese. Oh Christ, Brooke Burke is still hosting. Do they know it’s perfectly okay to fire someone mid-season? In fact, it’s humane. It’s like shooting a horse with a broken leg. It’s best for everyone.
Jennifer and her partner have decided to tell the story of a student who is in love with his teacher. That classic story lifted directly from the world of porn.
The dance was as awkward as the acting portion of a porno. Jennifer Grey’s lead has just disappeared like her original nose and yet she still scores a 24 out of 30 because the judges are desperate for someone to be good.
My score: I’ve never actually watched porn. Promise.
Florence and Corky’s story is of two lovers who are discovering their attraction and, sweet God, no one cares. They’re dancing to that weepy song from The Sound of Music. Not the fun one where the kids say good night or the one with all the random syllables where they run through the hills or even the one where they list the favorite things of the most boring person in the world. They choose the lullaby.
I liked her better when she was flipping me the bird, not trying to put me to sleep.
My score: Brown paper packages tied up in string usually contain laundry.
Kurt has been assigned the Foxtrot and his story is of a person having a bad day. Like me every Monday. Apparently, a bad day in Kurt Warner’s world involves a grinning goofball carrying an umbrella. This is what happens when you’ve suffered repeated concussions.
The judges gave Kurt a 23 and Brooke decided that it was the “highest score of the night.” Except that it wasn’t. Jennifer Grey scored a 24. Can they fire her mid-show? Please?
My score: Eleventy-five!
Her story is “party.” You know, that old gem. I’m not sure anyone on this show knows what a story is.
I guess the story of “party” involves wearing a dress that makes you look like a Rainbow Pop. Also, dancing terribly. The Internet will forever make me look like a fool for saying that she could dance in the premiere.
My score: Next time go with Dreamsicle.
Audrina and her partner choose to act out a story of a soldier coming back from the dead to dance with his widowed wife for one last time. That just seems cruel. Why just this once? What a dick.
The only way I would have liked this dance is if her partner would have come out as a zombie. Alas, I hated this dance. The judges loved it. The mannequin takes the lead.
My score: When is Zombie Week?
Bristol’s partner Mark is a homeless dude and she is boring. I don’t even know what the hell the story is supposed to be. Then they randomly showed her giving a speech saying, “A girl who practices abstinence has no chance of getting pregnant” in perfect monotone so that you can tell she really cares.
Brooke asked Bristol why she struggles with the performance portion of the dance even though she’s a public speaker. The correct answer is, “Because I’m terrible at both.” Her answer was, “Wah, wah, wah, wah, boring, boring, boring.”
My score: Is this as much as we’ve come to expect from TV?
Brandy and her partner decide to steal the story from “The Bodyguard.” Then they argue through the entire clip even though Brandy promises not to argue. The judges spend the entire time talking about how badly the pro treated Brandy instead of giving notes on the dance because they already know they’re going to give her eights because she’s one of the anointed ones.
I hate everything about this show.
My score: Will someone please insult Michael Bolton again?
Kyle and his partner decide to tell the story of the random couple that falls in love in a coffee shop. Then I fell asleep.
I’m not kidding.
My score: Naps are cool.
It’s no surprise that neither The Situation nor the Russian girl can explain their story. It involves time travel and skimpy outfits. Again with the porn theme. I’m pretty sure that The Situation’s partner chose this “story” because she had a futuristic outfit she wanted to wear. Also, her face looks like she could be The Situation’s brother.
Wow. The band has really outdone itself tonight. It was like the Osmonds decided to cover the Black Eyed Peas. Only worse than you’re thinking.
My score: The future is terrible.
His story is of an athlete who just blew the game for his team, so he goes to a bar and hooks up with hottie instead of hanging around the gym to practice. Like any good teammate.
The lady judge got all slobbery over him taking his shirt off. Does that seem unprofessional to you?
My score: Please show proper respect for the position of dance show judge.