Dancing With the Stars Week 2 – A Review

At the top of the show we discover that we will be Hoff-less for the rest of the season.  Part of me is disappointed that the chance of this show folding in upon itself due to cheese overload has been reduced to zero.  The other part of me is watching the Bears-Packers game.

I am excited to see how they try to solve the Brooke Burke problem.  I hope it was a brain transplant.  Failing that, I expect her to be replaced by the robot from the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.

Rick Fox
Rick decides that we need to see his nasty, scarred foot so that he has a built in excuse.  Thank God I’d already finished dinner.  I can only assume this is a prelude to him crumpling to the floor in a heap.

Rick's choreographer

He did not crumple to the floor in a heap.  He did dance the Jive like he was doing his Chewbacca impression.  The judges like Chewbacca.

My score: Wwwweeerrrrgggggghhhaaannnnaaahhhhh!

Florence Henderson
She’s been assigned the Quickstep and the strangest partner ever.  She immediately reminds us that she’s 76 years old and complains about trying to remember everything.  Way to play up the stereotype.  Then she flips off the camera.  Way to bust the stereotype.  I *middle-finger* you too, Florence.

My score: Obscenities!

Brandy
Brandy has been given the pro that fights with everyone.  And yet, he doesn’t think that he’s an asshole.  Though, Brandy is not a good dancer so I can’t really blame him.

You know how people half-ass things when they think they are too cool?  Brandy half-asses things but thinks she’s dancing her ass off.  Then she stood around and waved her arms during her “solo.”

This is fixed.  The judges think there are certain people with potential and they give those people high scores regardless of their dance.  For some reason they think Brandy is good.

My score: I thought this was about talent.

Michael Bolton
He has laryngitis, no rhythm and he’s whiny.  Is there any doubt that he’ll be the next to go?  This is one of moments when I’m acutely aware that this suckatude is filling up prime time television.  This is the worst attempt at entertainment I’ve seen on TV.  When I go to see a community theater show, I expect to see something like this.  When I’m watching prime time television, I expect something that approaches actual entertainment.

Brooke Burke lived up to the terrible performance by asking, “What was the thinking behind the dog character?”  They danced to “Hound Dog.”  That was the thinking.  Is she deaf, too?

One judge gave him a three.  Three.

My score: We’re going to have to live without you.

Audrina Patridge
“I’m sacrificing everything for this show.”  What exactly is she sacrificing?  Does she have a job?  Does she have children?  Or does she mean that she’s literally performing ritual sacrifices of anything she can find?

The judges loved her dance.  I know I should think that this girl is sexy, but I don’t.  Seeing her naked would be like seeing an undressed mannequin.
Her partner pledged that he would wax his legs if the dance didn’t get all eights.  They got two eights and a seven.  This will only be interesting if they make him wear hot pants next week.

My score: Welcome to Old Navy!

Jennifer Grey
While rehearsing they reveal that Jennifer had cancer around her spine on her neck.  She plays it off like it’s no big deal because she was saving all of her drama for showing us how exhausting the Quickstep is.

This isn’t even fair.  She already knows how to dance.  She’s so far ahead of everyone else it’s not even funny.  Her choreography was so much harder than everyone else and she nailed it.  Our only hope is that all of her dramatics will turn everyone off and people won’t vote for her.

After Jennifer Grey and her partner got their scores, the crowd began booing.  Then we cut to the main, competent host interviewing Sarah Palin.  Draw your own conclusions.

My score: I carried a watermelon.

Margaret Cho
Last week everyone avoided Margaret Cho like the plague after the show.  She claims it was because everyone thought she was going home.  It was really because they didn’t want to have to look at her in that dress.  Or they just don’t like her.

I hate that I know this, but Margaret’s partner is the best instructor in the group.  He gets challenging partners and he gets the most out of them.  I take back what I said about her being able to dance.  She can’t dance.  I was fooled by those weird, flappy wing things she had last week — and I don’t mean her arms.

My score: Quit your day job, but not because you’re a good dancer.  You’re not.

Kyle Massey
Kyle Massey loves himself some Kyle Massey.  I think he’s the only one.  Oh wait, did he just make a joke about being fat?  How original and charming.  I’m sure the whole world has changed their mind on Kyle Massey now.

Every time I think the band can’t get any worse, they surprise me.  I’m not sure the singer was ever in tune — even by accident.  In fact, I’m not even sure that was an actual song.

My score: Two sides of fries.

Kurt Warner
I stand corrected.  The band just got worse again.  I believe they were attempting to play “Danger Zone.”  I’m guessing based on the fact that I think I heard the singer say (not sing, say) “danger zone.”  The band is setting new records for awful.

The problem with Kurt Warner is that once you establish yourself as boring, you are always boring.  Even at your most exciting you are completely boring.  He does realize that he doesn’t have to give canned answers to everyone he talks to like he’s giving a post-game interview, right?

I’m confused.  The judges loved his dance even though he couldn’t find the beat to save his life.

My score: Post-concussion syndrome?

Where's the douche?

The Situation
I have never seen The Jersey Shore and if this guy is the star, I can’t imagine that it’s any good.  He seems like a good kid.  A little cheesy, but a good kid.  He tries hard but he’s a terrible dancer.  Absolutely awful.  He dances like he’s on an ice rink with dress shoes.  He’s sliding and crashing into everything.

I think Dancing With the Stars is going to ask for their money back.  Where’s the outrageous guy they thought they were getting?

My score: 5.7

Bristol Palin
She takes her partner to Alaska to meet her mom.  He was about as excited to meet her as you would imagine.  Then they stared at Russia.  Are the producers going to try to squeeze Sarah Palin into every one of Bristol’s lead-ins?  That might be the only way to keep her segments interesting.

Unfortunately, Bristol isn’t a bad dancer so we’ll probably be subjected to Sarah and pregnant teens for several more weeks.  By the way, does Bristol take credit for any teenager she sees that isn’t pregnant?

My score: Birth control!

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