The Bachelor Pad Episode #5 – A Review

I would love to tell you that The Bachelor Pad has been cancelled so that I can watch the Boise St.-Virginia Tech football game, but my life is not as charmed as it seems to be.  The Bachelor Pad goes on and so does my pain.

The two least popular Padistanis were voted out so no one cares about what happened at the Rose Ceremony and they don’t go into the living room to fight.  Thank God.  We’re now down to four guys and seven girls.

In the morning, Chris Harrison comes in to tell everyone that three girls will be leaving The Bachelor Pad immediately.  In Ashley’s one appearance on the show she deduces “that’s almost half of us.”  She just outed herself as the smart one.  Cut to dramatic shots of the girls packing and the requisite interviews where everyone says “game changer.”

How will they decide who goes home?

Ms. Not Appearing In This Show

The guys get to choose one woman who they think will be the best partner for them in the rest of the game.  From this point, they will compete as couples.  Each guy must walk to the girl he would like to choose and ask her for a kiss.  If she accepts, they are a couple.  The guys circle up around a table with a built in Lazy Susan with a bottle attached to it.  This is what they spend their money on?  The bottle determines the order in which the guys will pick.  Kiptyn goes first and pretends that he’s thinking about keeping Nikki because she kept him in before.  We’re not buying it.  He chooses Tenley.  Kovacs also pretends that it might not be best for him to keep Elizabeth around.  He says, “She’s got a screw loose.”  Amen.  He chooses Elizabeth anyway and she is excited about not having to stab Kovacs being a couple for the rest of the game.  Jesse B is next.  No one knows what he’s going to do because he’s dumb as rocks.  He chooses Peyton.  I guess we did know what he was going to do.  David has the last choice and pretends that he’s waffling between Ashley and Natalie.  He picks Natalie because he’s seen her naked titties.  Gwen, Ashley and Nikki go home.  Not that it matters much for Ashley because she was never on the show.

As the cars drive away, Elizabeth says, “It hurts me to see them leave.  I could someday be like Gwen.  In my forties and still looking for love.”  That is exactly why you’ll be in your forties and all alone.  Plus, you’ll probably be in jail for stabbing Kovacs to death.

For those who give a damn, the four couples are: Kovacs and Elizabeth, David and Natalie, Jesse B and Peyton, Kiptyn and Tenley.

Everyone is relieved that they can finally be open about being a couple, especially Tenley who says, “Kissing is fun.  Kiptyn is fun.”  I want to run.  I want my gun.  Do they let Tenley use the microwave?  I think she’s standing too close.

Peyton is not nearly as excited about her pairing.  It could be because Jesse B spends his downtime trying to convince her to eat a banana.  He’s 12 years old.

The Competition — Water Balloon Toss
Water balloon toss?  Really?  Are we at a county fair in Indiana?  Will there be a cakewalk later?  You know the rules for a balloon toss, unfortunately no one at The Bachelor Pad does as they each get three balloons before they are eliminated.

Everyone handles the early rounds with ease.  Peyton is the first to break a balloon, then the next balloon, then her final balloon.  Then she cries.  Tenley and Kiptyn are next to go when Kiptyn puts on his Freddy Krueger gloves for a round.  Once Kovacs and Elizabeth break all their balloons, David and Natalie only have to complete one catch.  They break one balloon and catch the next to earn the roses.

The Date — David and Natalie
The date card reads: “Spend the night together under the stars.”  Everyone assumes that it will be camping.  Tenley says, “Oh my god, what if you’re taking a rocket ship?”  She’s so dumb her parents should be brought up on charges.

They don’t end up taking a rocket ship, but they do get to drive a Lamborghini up the California coast.  Kovacs and Elizabeth find the car first and decide to get their make out juice all over it.

David and Natalie park the car overlooking a valley and take a bunch of pictures of each other with the car.  That’s nice, but it’s no Helicopter.  In the evening, they go some mansion that has ties to the Bachelor series for dinner and sexual intercourse.  Natalie gets David to talk about his family.  David opens up about his parents’ divorce and then divulges that he and his dad had a huge fight.  He says his dad called him a “worthless shit” (pretty right on, Dad) and he threw a chair through a wall.  What?  Was it a paper wall?  Natalie consoles him by making out with him in a hot tub.

Meanwhile back at the house…
Jesse B calls out everyone else for pretending like they are worried about getting voted out.  He knows that he and Peyton are the leading candidates to go home.  Peyton practically offers to let him finger bang her nose right there on the spot.

Kovacs and Elizabeth decide to try to sneak into the Fantasy Suite.  They succeed.  Apparently, sneaking into the Fantasy Suite consists of opening a door.  After they have sexual intercourse, Elizabeth freaks out.  She says she feels like “the stupid girl” for sleeping with him.  We’ve been waiting for this all season.  This is where she finally kills and eats Kovacs.  Somehow Kovacs talks his way out of the Mantis treatment and we all die a little inside.

David and Natalie come back and head straight to the Fantasy Suite to see Kovacs and Elizabeth.  It’s becoming clear to me that David has a crush on Kovacs.  I feel stupid for not noticing it before.

David and Kovacs rehash their plan to get to the end together.  Because they are in love.  Meanwhile, Natalie is working to get Kovacs and Elizabeth out.  Natalie can’t convince David to come around to her side and she fears all is lost.

Chris Harrison comes in to tell them that they will be voted off as a couple but that they will be voting as individuals.  I can practically see their little brains exploding.  Tenley and Natalie work to turn the tables on the David and Kovacs pact and try to get the votes to send Kovacs and Elizabeth home.  Jesse B tries to convince Kiptyn to do the same and suddenly Kovacs realizes that he might be in trouble.  Only two days too late.

The Rose Ceremony
This has been the only Rose Ceremony where you honestly don’t know what is going to happen.  And yet, I still don’t give a shit.

Tenley and Kiptyn are quickly declared safe.  No surprise.  Elizabeth and Kovacs are given the final roses.  Jesse B and Peyton go home.  Natalie decided to vote with David even after all of her scheming.  Whatever.  Then they all go inside and decide to have a pajama party.

My roses go to…

  • The Producers — for putting Natalie up to rallying people to vote out Kovacs and Elizabeth so that this episode wouldn’t be a complete snooze.
  • Ashley — for finally having a legitimate excuse for not appearing in the episode.
  • David’s Dad — for breaking him.
  • Chris Harrison’s Skinny Sidekick — for dressing like a clown.
  • Tenley — She is dumb.  She says dumb things.  She says them like this.  She’s a retarded Yoda.