I just realized that writing these reviews will force me to miss Monday Night Football. Good thing the fine folks at Schadenfreude.net are paying me the big bucks.
We open with the fallout from last week’s Rose Ceremony. In case anyone in the room had been wondering, Gia decided to tell everyone that she was the one who tried to get Kiptyn voted out and she openly blamed Nikki for screwing it up. She should have spent that time painting a target on her back, it would have been more efficient. Of course, Gia conveniently forgot that she originally screwed the whole thing up by not giving a rose to Craig. Not that you care, you’re too busy watching Cee-Lo’s new video.
The Competition — Kissing
In the kissing competition, the women were blindfolded and each guy kissed them. Afterwards, the girl voted on which guy was the best kisser. The guys were given numbers so that there was no cheating. They flipped the scenario for the guys. This way everyone gets to make out twice. That’s a lot of spit swapping. The guy and girl with the most votes wins the rose and the title of Best Kisser. I would totally win this game. I’m a great kisser. Ask my wife. Or better yet, make out with me the next time you see me.
Gia gets all freaked out about the game because she knows there’s now a target on her back and she has a boyfriend she’s crazy. Once she sees how all the girls are going to town on the guys she breaks down in tears and calls everyone “porn stars.” It’s clear she doesn’t watch porn. Porn stars almost never kiss, I’m told.
After Elizabeth is kissed by the Weatherman she says, “I just realized how gross this is.” Even though she was blindfolded, she knew it was him. They should have given him a box to stand on or something. When it’s her turn to kiss a blindfolded Weatherman, she practically eats his face and then spits into the pool in disgust. Does Tina Fey write the script for her character? She is the perfect Mean Girl.
Ashley takes herself out of the competition because she is a high school teacher who is worried about losing the respect of her students for kissing all of the guys. And yet she has no problems being on the show in the first place.
Natalie thinks she’s got this one locked up because she’s got no problems making out with anyone. She joins Elizabeth and Tenley who are clearly trying way too hard. There’s a fine line between a passionate kiss and Hannibal Lecter.
David and Peyton win the roses. The face munching trio looks shocked.
The First Date — David, Nikki, Krisily, Natalie
David chose three girls to go to Vegas with him. By the way, does anyone remember when it used to be Las Vegas? Natalie immediately declared that she is “ready to get crazy” and that she “will do anything to win.” As they made their way to the airport I got excited that we might get a glimpse of Helicopter only to be let down when they all piled in to a private jet.
They are led to a private, topless pool which they have all to themselves. Natalie can’t wait to get naked and Nikki actually puts on another shirt. Krisily is now infatuated with David thanks to his kiss and she spends the whole time acting like a teenager with her first crush. By the time Natalie whips off her top it’s clear that the other two girls have been completely forgotten. Who would have guessed that women can use their boobs to get what they want?
At night, they all go to a huge villa but David only gets to keep one of the girls for dinner. They all act shocked even though the exact same thing happened on the dates last week. He picks Natalie. On the ride home, Krisily whines about missed opportunities and Nikki wonders aloud if they should have gone topless. I think we all know that answer.
During dinner, David gets a “Fantasy Suite” card. They waste no time deciding that they are going to stay together in the suite and eff like rabbits. I guess Natalie is over Jesse B. David and Natalie decide that they are not going to tell anyone that they are a couple. In fact, they are going to actively deceive the rest of the house by telling a lame story about how they both fell asleep.
The Second Date — Peyton, Kovacs, Kiptyn, Jesse B
Peyton decides that she needs to rethink her strategy. She picks the guys who are on the inside and decides to try to win them over on their date to the drag strip. By “drag strip” I actually mean a real drag strip, not something dirty like you were originally thinking. Going to a drag strip sounds about as romantic as it actually is. They spend most of their time in completely separate cars.
Jesse B is girl crazy. He’s like a kid in a candy store. He’s interested in any girl that shows interest in him. It’s clear that he’s going to get the rose even though they spend most of the date showing us clips of Elizabeth and Tenley nervously worrying about their guys (Kovacs and Kiptyn, respectively) being seduced by Peyton. Much to the producers’ chagrin, Peyton doesn’t even make much of an effort to seduce Kovacs and Kiptyn, but the whole thing makes the two guys realize that having a girlfriend is not a good position to be in. I’m not sure how people tell Kovacs and Kiptyn apart. When they are standing side by side I can’t tell you who is who.
Jesse B gets the rose and gets to enjoy the Fantasy Suite in The Bachelor Pad with Peyton. It doesn’t get much more awkward than watching two people try to decide on the Fantasy Suite while two other dudes—who look exactly alike—stand there staring at you.
Kovacs finally realizes that Elizabeth is going to screw him. He knows that he can’t trust her and she tells him that she can’t be trusted. He’s slowly figuring out what we’ve known all along. She’s crazy.
Gia and Wes are smitten with one another. Wes breaks out the guitar. Gia melts and says, “I never heard a song that I related to.” Have you ever heard a song before? She then calls Wes “the modern day Shakespeare except better and cuter.” She’s definitely going to break up with her boyfriend after this. Is there any man that would stay with her after seeing this? She might as well just hook up with Wes and close the case.
Thanks to his new crush, Wes is working on everyone in order to save Gia. Gia tries to convince Kiptyn to help save her by lying to him about trying to get him voted off. When he says that she “rounded up the girls” she pretends to be hurt an offended that she has been accused of such a thing. You know, that thing she admitted to right after last week’s Rose Ceremony. She making a run at Elizabeth’s Crazy Queen title.
The Rose Ceremony
The girls waste no time sending the Weatherman home. It’s been clear from the beginning that he’s not cool enough for the cool kids. Due to Wes’s scheming, there is a tie between Gia and Elizabeth. Since David won the rose, he gets to break the tie. He chooses to save Elizabeth and she gets to retain her Crazy Queen crown. Of course, Wes now has a target on his back.