The Bachelor Pad Premiere – A Review

Welcome to the Bachelor Pad, the show that may have just enough unintentional comedy that I won’t be able to make fun of it.  Here’s how it works.  They wrangled up nineteen singles from past seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.  Nineteen?  They couldn’t find one more fame whore to join the show?  In fact, there are eleven girls and eight guys.  They all live in the same house and they are forcing all of them to sleep in the same room in bunk beds.  It’s like summer camp for douchebags.

During each episode there is a contest of some sort.  The winner gets a rose and can choose three people for a date.  The winner also gets to give a rose to one of the three people on the date.  Everyone who ends up with a rose is safe from elimination.  Everyone else is fair game.  The twist is that the guys will be voting off the girls and the girls will be voting off the guys.  This concept has blown their tiny little minds.

What are they playing for?  $250,000.  Does that seem low to anyone else?

The Bachelor Pad is proving George Costanza’s theory that people will watch because it’s on TV.  Before they even explain what the show is about, they show us a bunch of clips from the upcoming episodes.  I assume that these are supposed to be interesting or shocking, but we have absolutely nothing to base our opinions on so they might as well be clips from Hell’s Kitchen.  They are reaffirming my theory that the producers of the Bachelor/Bachelorette/Pad franchise think we are stupid.

Introducing the Padders Paddites Padistanis

Instead of the Padistanis pulling up in a limo to meet the Bachelor or Bachelorette, they all come out of their limo and are greeted by Chris Harrison.  I can only assume they do this because they need to get Chris some screen time.  Honestly, why do they even have a host for these shows?  A disembodied voice would work just as well.  Also, how do I get Chris Harrison’s job?

Some highlights from the contestants:

  • Tinley, from Jake’s season (I don’t know what that means), has a crush on Kiptyn (that’s actually how he spells his name).  She wants to “explore that.”
  • Gwen is from season two and nobody has any idea who she is.  I think she’s in her late forties.
  • The Weatherman is back and they don’t even bother to use his real name.  His graphic reads, “Weatherman.”  Thank you.
  • Nikki and Juan “dated” at some point.  Another contestant claimed that he slept with her just so he’d have a place to crash.  Classy.
  • Elizabeth and Jesse K seem to have some kind of relationship.  It seems very one-sided.  Elizabeth has crazy eyes for him.
  • Michelle is introduced as “the crazy one” and “all kinds of drama.”
  • Gia is the swimsuit model that all the guys will drool over.  She has a boyfriend.
  • Craig M is the guy who made the Weatherman cry on the last season of The Bachelorette.  I’m rooting for him simply because all of the women immediately decided that he would be the first guy they voted off.

The Challenge — Enormous Twister

If you’ve watched ABC at all in the past months, you’ve already seen most of this.  It’s an excuse to get attractive people in bathing suits into compromising positions.  They know they have to sell sex and they’re selling it hard.  At least I get to look at boobies.

In what can only be a shock to the dumbest people on earth, Craig M wins the challenge. The Weatherman reacts by saying, “When Craig M won, I basically knew there was no God.”  Isn’t he a scientist? (Does a meteorologist count as a scientist?)  He should know that God doesn’t exist because there is no empirical proof, not because of Craig.  Craig now has a rose and can choose three people for his date.  Elizabeth goes on a rant about how she doesn’t ever want to go on a date with Craig, she wouldn’t have any fun with Craig, and she knows she’s not going home so she doesn’t want the safe rose.  Of course, this means that she’s going to go on the date.  If this show had any sense of storytelling, that’s what would happen.

The Date — Craig, Jesse, Gwen, Elizabeth

After the first night in the house, a rumor is started that Michelle and Craig hooked up in the middle of the night.  Michelle denies it and you see a glint of crazy in her eyes.  This glint grows stronger when Craig chooses Jesse (the girl), Gwen and Elizabeth to go on the date.  They all accept and Michelle begins to plot her revenge.

Craig and the ladies are whisked away to the beach for their date.  Unfortunately, the helicopter is nowhere to be seen.  They just hop into a limo in their bathing suits.  Does anyone else get the feeling they are going to plan dates around things that are bathing suit appropriate?

All you need to pack for The Bachelor Pad

The beach part of the date seems to simply be an excuse to see Elizabeth’s Prelude to Crazy.

After the beach, they head to the Greek Theater.  Craig is forced to pick one girl to give a rose before the date continues.  To the surprise of no one in the world besides Elizabeth, he chooses Jesse.  Elizabeth and Gwen have to go back to the house, but not before Elizabeth issues a threat to him in her solo interview.

Craig and Jesse are given a private concert by some guy who sounds like he was the rejected lead singer for Nickelback.  Both Craig and Jesse pretended they enjoyed it and danced around like idiots to the crappy song that sounds like just about every other song by any generic rock band.

Meanwhile, back at the house…

Jesse K decides he needs to talk to Elizabeth about being a couple.  He’s determined that being a couple is a bad strategy.  Being a couple isn’t a bad strategy, being involved with Elizabeth is a bad strategy.  In response, Elizabeth basically says, “Love me or I’ll get you sent home.”  She clearly subscribes to the Stockholm Syndrome school of dating.  Strangely, it seems to be working because Jesse K has no spine and isn’t smart enough to realize that he needs to get the rest of the guys to vote her off.  I think we can all agree that he deserves to go home as soon as possible.

Jesse B and Natalie are hooking up like they’ve been dating for months.  They are the only real couple in the house.  I’m pretty sure that being in a couple will be a good thing for the guys and a bad thing for the girls.  That’s assuming that these people are as dumb as I think they are.

Michelle thought that Tinley started the rumor about her and Craig hooking up, so she shut Michelle in the bathroom and berated her.  Tinley, the most delicate of delicate flowers, was reduced to tears and shouted, “I’m scared” through her sobs.  We’ve got a new crazy front-runner!  I’ll let you decide if it’s Tinley or Michelle.

Suddenly: random shot of boobies.

The Bachelor Pad Drinking Game

After one episode, I’ve already devised a drinking game that is sure to get you wasted.  This will be the only way I get through this show.

  • Every time someone says, “The boys are voting off the girls off and the girls are voting off the boys.”  Take one drink.
  • Every time someone says, “It’s a competition.”  Take one drink.
  • Every time someone says, “If I get the rose, I’m safe.”  Take one drink.
  • Every time someone says, “I’m scared.”  Finish your drink.

The Rose Ceremony

Each person votes individually in a “deliberation room” Survivor-style.  They pull a photo of the person they want to vote for out of a frame and drop it into a box to cast their vote.  I’m taking bets on who will be the first to be smart enough check the number of photos left in their own frame to see how they are doing.  My money is on Krisily.

During the voting, Michelle is dumb enough to say, “I feel confident that I’m going to stay.”  That’s why she’s the crazy one.

Michelle and Juan are voted out, but the guys have figured out that Krisily is the smart one.  She can’t be far behind.  Plus, I don’t think she’s hot enough for anyone to want to keep her around.

My roses go to…

  • All of the guys — for ogling and drooling anytime Gia walks into the room.
  • Dave — for accentuating the crazy in his eyes with a creepy thin beard.
  • The Producers — for gratuitous cleavage and butt shots during Enormous Twister.
  • The Weatherman — for correctly being pegged as easy to manipulate.
  • Stephen — for staying as far away from this show as he possibly can.
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