The Bachelorette Finale – A Review Reader, we’ve come to the end.  Like any ending, it’s bittersweet.  We’ll finally get to see who Ali will break up with in a few months.  Plus, it will be our last chance to see our beloved helicopter.  I can only hope that helicopter will return for an appearance on The Bachelor Pad which I will be reviewing through the rest of the summer.

Roberto, Chris and Ali are in Bora Bora with Ali’s family because they have to find some way to fill two hours with just two guys.  In case we hadforgotten, they decided to hammer us with badly narrated background stories of the two guys.  Is there any other show that treats its audience like we are the dumbest people on the planet?  Do they think we can’t remember anything from one week to the next?  If I watched this show for any other reason than to make fun of it, I’d be insulted.

Roberto and Ali’s Family
Roberto opens this segment by saying, “I just hope they like me.”  No kidding?  You think it might be important that her family likes you?

Why does Roberto always go first?  He’s boring, that’s why.  Ali’s brother and sister took Roberto outside to “ask him some questions” while Ali talked about Roberto with her parents.  It was clear that Ali’s mother had a crush on Roberto because she told him that he doesn’t need to do anything else to make Ali happy because he already is making Ali happy.  Then she butchered the Spanish language but Roberto was smart enough to not correct her.  Good move, boring guy.

It was then time for the serious business with dad.  Both men stripped naked, covered themselves in oil and sat down to a furious game of chess.  Hey, they have two hours to fill.  Eventually, Ali’s dad resigned and Roberto earned the right to propose to Ali should she deem it so.  Then they shared a big, oily, naked hug.  It’s exactly how God meant it.

Okay, this show is spending more time telling us about what’s going to happen then they spend showing us what actually happens.  Do we really need to see clips about what’s going to happen after the commercial?  Between that and the flashbacks to what has already happened on the show, I’m guessing they showed us about three minutes of new footage.  If I wanted to watch reruns, I’d tune into the Reality Channel.

Chris and Ali’s Family
Chris sets the stage for us by saying, “This could be a deal breaker.”  No, the deal breaker is that you’re a terrible kisser.

Oh my God!  It’s so hilarious that Chris is from Massachusetts!  We are all laughing!  We are all teachers!  We say things like “education business”!  Everything is great!  Now let’s talk about your dead mom!  Really?  Do we have to hear about this every single episode?  Oh right.  He’s boring, too.

Chris’s showdown with Ali’s dad took on the form of a more traditional fully clothed conversation where the father asked tough questions and Chris avoided them by saying things that he thought the father wanted to hear.  It was just as boring as real life and possibly the first time this reality show actually captured reality.  Then they dueled with poison tipped foils.  Chris managed to vanquish Ali’s father and earn Ali’s hand in marriage plus the family goat.

I believe the actors in the Cymbalta ads more than I believe the the people on this show.

Conversation With the Family
After the visits with the two guys, Ali took some time to chat with her family.  Dad was all about Roberto which is no surprise because you could totally see the chemistry during their oily, naked hug.  The rest of the family loved Chris except for Ali’s sister who loved herself.  Hey, Ali’s sister, shut up.  It’s not your show.

1-on-1 Date with Roberto
Ali needed one last date with each of the guys because she, well, I have no idea why.  She and Roberto went swimming with stingrays.  You know, the creature that killed the Crocodile Hunter.  She keeps saying that Roberto makes her feel safe, but this is ridiculous.

After the stingrays didn’t kill them (wouldn’t that have been a shocking and satisfying ending?), Ali and Roberto have a picnic on a private beach.  Then it starts to rain and Roberto says, “Ali and I are sitting there and it starts to rain.  That was one of the coolest experiences in my life.”  Really?  Rain?  Rain is one of the coolest experiences in your life?  You are more boring than I could have ever imagined.

In the evening, Ali headed over to Roberto’s cabin for a booty call.  Don’t worry.  He was classy about it.  He gave her a picture and said something in Spanish before he told her he loved her so that he could bang her one last time.

1-on-1 Date with Chris
Do you think Chris can smell Roberto on her?  I bet he can, and Ali knew it.  That’s why she pulled a Frank and dumped him before the date.  When she does it, it’s the right thing.  When Frank does it, it’s evil.  Then Chris saw a rainbow and he immediately knew that it was his dead mother giving him some sort of signal.  Did you think we’d get through a Chris segment without hearing about his mother?

We were then subjected to 20 minutes of filler.  Ali talked about how much she loved Roberto, Roberto chose a ring and talked about his big decision and there was a bad montage of getting dressed shots.  Roberto spent a lot of time talking about how he didn’t want to propose if it wasn’t right and yadda, yadda, yadda.  Do they really think we’re dumb enough to fall for that?  Yes, they do.  They think we are complete idiots.

The Proposal
Oh sweet God.  Who talks this much before a proposal?  Why isn’t there a Bachelorette equivalent of keyboard cat to play him off?  Eventually he proposed and she said yes as we all knew she would from the very beginning.  We’re then treated to a ridiculous montage set to “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” from the Lion King.  I feel something, but it’s a lot more like throw up in my mouth.

My final rose goes to…

  • Stephen — for subjecting himself to the torture of this show and using the line, “Can I poke out my ears?”
  • Me — for predicting in week 3 that Ali had already chosen Roberto.
  • Two final roses?  Yep, that’s my shocking twist.

After the Final Rose
Did you watch the show?  Then you’ve already seen everything on the “After the Final Rose” special.  This is the only show that is already in reruns before it’s over.  What a waste of everyone’s time.  Just like the entire season.

Play ’em Off Keyboard Cat: