The Bachelorette – A Review – Episode 9.1 (Men Tell All)

This entire experience has been a wild ride. Jeff and I have been switching weeks back and forth to review this show. Instead of getting mad at it, and the people who are watching it, through the insistence of Jeff, I learned to laugh with the rest of America.

At least, Jeff convinced me the rest of America is laughing.

I was REALLY excited to see the end of this show – mainly because that meant this would be over. As much as I love laughing at this show, I get tired. It’s 2 freaking hours every Monday. And I can’t tell you how disappointed I was to learn that this is just the “Men Tell All” episode. This is like trying to review the post-Lost Finale hour with Jimmy Kimmel. It was lame. This is lame.

And if I hear “Guard and Protect Your Heart” one more tim- Fuck.

I have no idea how to review this. Oh, here’s a way:

Oh Ali, you're innocence is not at all concocted by Disney.

Re-read all the posts that Jeff and I have written over the course of this show. However, there were a few gems that were missed during the normal run – I’ll outline the best parts here. (As you’ll notice, this one is considerably shorter. Due in large part to the producers realizing they can coast the rest of the way. If they aren’t going to try, then neither will I.)

The show began with a nice little sit down with Ali. You know, The Bachelorette? Yeah, well, it was important for us to hear that she was really surprised and gave up a lot to be here, and it was really special to do this, and that she couldn’t have imagined all the magic that was created and that unicorns are real. I may have made some of that up, it was jussssst boring enough to be able to tune out, but that snort/laugh always brought me back to reality. Nothing new learned, except that she found it really hard to believe that she could fall in love with a man after spending only 12 weeks with him. (Considering that those 12 weeks included LA, New York, Chicago, Istanbul, Iceland, helicopter rides and a freakin’ hut on Tahiti, let’s face it, I could have fallen in love with Meg Whitman with that kind of whirlwind tour.) We then learn that there was “soooo much footage, and that some stuff ended up on the cutting room floor” including some of the best parts:

  • Roberto popped a champagne cork at her head. We were THIS close to ending the show due to decapitation. Damn.
  • Frank’s Dad’s toast. The only moment of the show they should have shown. Fuck those producers.
  • Casey really is a sad, sad guy.
  • Animals are the best co-stars. The only ones they cut… Fuck those producers. Again.

We then smoothly transitioned into introducing everyone, again. Rated-R and Super-Douche declined to appear (although, rumor has it, they WILL be on ‘Bachelor Pad’ – more on that later). After Steve Gadlin’s twin told us that tonight, the men will ‘have their say.’ This pretty much left me thinking:

  • Weatherman is still a little, annoying speck of a punk. Even after watching the show, the kid has not grown up.
  • Casey should be committed before he kills a girl for not returning his love.
  • Sad Ali is the worst Ali. She looks so sad, sad, sad sad. Ali, I’ll marry you! (Sheila – SHHH!) Don’t be sad Ali.

And then they talk to Casey. I really can’t stand him. He talks like he’s deaf. He gets stupid tattoos, is a bad singer, and I’m just gonna fast forward. If there was something good here, then sue me for missing it. Leave it in the comments, and I’ll send you a rose.

And then they talk to Kirk. He seems REALLY boring. I mean, he was boring before, but now, he seems kind of like that cousin at family reunions that you are happy to see for the first 20 minutes, but then, you run out of things to even talk about. He’s not a bad guy… He’s just not Roberto. If you ask me, he should have gotten a tattoo.

And then we talk about Rated-R. *Sigh* We’re over this. Hitting fast forward again. However, the tattle-tale chick who outs Facebook as the discovery method that reveals the lies was a completely unnecessary addition.

THIS is a Fantasy Suite.

And FINALLY we talk to Ali (again). Casey has that serial-killer look… Still.

How do we end the show? With a closer look at Roberto and the Other Guy. (as though you can’t tell who I think she’s picking) It’s over. UNLESS – the night in The Fantasy Suite ended up being…. less than good. Which is entirely possible – Roberto was a ball player, and according to the Senate, all baseball players take drugs. So his penis might be smaller, and less… active. Just saying.

And then there’s “Bachelor Pad”. This is what I can tell you about the show: It’s Big Brother with open sex. And crying. They take all the emotionally damaged people from all the other shows, and throw them into one bedroom and a pool and a box of condoms and say, “Have at it!”

My closing thoughts (no Rose Ceremony this week, so I don’t get one either):

Fuck you, Jeff, for getting to review the final Rose Ceremony.