The Bachelorette – A Review – Episode #9

Ali and her three remaining men are in Tahiti this week.  This is the week when all the guys tell Ali that they’ve fallen in love with her because it’s what you have to do at this point.  If she doesn’t know if you’re in love with her, you’re going home.  High stakes, everyone.

I want to go to there.

The show opens with shots of each man looking thoughtfully off into the distance.  We can only assume that they are thinking about getting to bone Ali on this episode.  Where is Steve Gadlin (a.k.a Chris Harrison)?  Why isn’t he opening the show by addressing the three guys from twenty yards away like usual?  I’m worried about Steve.  I hope he’s okay.

Chris’s and Roberto’s clips were completely interchangeable.  They talked about how hard they’ve fallen for Ali and how they’re worried about not being chosen.  You know, the exact same thing they’ve been talking about all season.

And then there’s Frank.

Frank has a dilemma.  He thinks that he still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend.  Falling in love with Ali has made him realize that he might still be in love with his ex-girlfriend, Nicole.  He’s in love with two girls?  How is that a dilemma on this show?  Of course, Frank has to go back to Chicago and see if he’s still in love with Nicole.  There’s no talk about whether she’ll still be in love with him because he lives in the ‘50s.

In order to win back his ex-girlfriend’s heart, he decides to spend the entire time talking about how great things are between him and Ali.  She responds by saying, “It’s sickening.”  Sickening to think of him with another girl.  She still loves him, Schadenfreude.net reader.  America is saved!  Frank then explains that he has to go to Tahiti to break up with Ali and that she needs to support him on this noble quest.  Ride away, brave Frank, into the beautiful sunsets of Tahiti with another woman.

1-on-1 with Roberto
When Ali and Roberto meet, they talk about how they missed each other.  How long were they apart?  A week?  A few days?  Instead of roses, Ali should hand them notes with “Yes” or “No” boxes to check.

Helicopter!  The helicopter is back!  I love you, Helicopter.  Helicopter, will you accept this rose?  Oh, Helicopter, why won’t you whisk me off to a hart-shaped island where I can sweat heavily through my gray t-shirt.  Why didn’t anyone tell Roberto not to wear a gray t-shirt in the heat of Tahiti?  I couldn’t tell if he was sweating or in a wet t-shirt contest.

Whoever decided that it is acceptable to show footage of Ali and Roberto standing in the water for three minutes while they each take turns narrating about how awesome the date was, you need to be fired.

Before dinner, Roberto confesses to the camera (and therefore the world) that he has trouble opening up about how strong his feelings are for Ali.  Guess what Roberto, you just did.  Pretend Ali is a camera and say it to her.  It shouldn’t be hard, she has the same personality as a camera.  Then, he does it!  America is saved!  Her reaction was to not say a word.

Is there any drama left at this point?  Unless there is some sort of catastrophe, she’s going to choose Roberto.  We know Frank is breaking up with her and Chris kisses like an 11-year-old.

1-on-1 with Chris
Whoever managed to capture how awkward conversation is between Chris and Ali needs to be promoted to working on Roberto’s dates.  They’ve perfectly captured how uncomfortable they are together.  Especially when they kiss.  There is so much mashing involved.  I haven’t mashed someone’s face like that since I was blackout drunk at a college dorm party.

Ali and Chris jumped off their boat and waded over to an island where they could look for pearls.  Looking for pearls consists of violent mutilation of

A Blood Pearl

oysters.  I can only assume that these oysters were planted there for them to find.  Why would they let these two schmucks snatch up all the pearls they can find?  It seems like the island should be swarming with cutthroat captains of industry, not flip-flop wearing reality contestants.  Please, folks.  Don’t buy the blood pearls of Tahiti.

At dinner on another tiny uninhabited island, Chris continued to play the family card.  He’s convinced it’s his ace in the hole.  He knows that if it doesn’t work on Ali that it will at least get him a spot as the next Bachelor.  It’s funny that a guy who was willing to lie to her about his dead mom is now jamming his dead mom down our throats.

Does anyone turn down the fantasy suite?  If they do, do they ever get a rose at the end of the show?  It’s basically free poon.  I really wish the fantasy suite was the same suite for every guy.  Then there might actually be some reservation on Ali’s part about sleeping with three guys in the same bed.

1-on-1 with Frank
Frank arrived in Tahiti standing atop a small boat — much like Jack Sparrow arriving on his sinking ship — except Frank’s arrival is accompanied by grave narration from Frank himself, “I’m coming here to tell Ali I’m leaving because I’m in love with my ex-girlfriend.”

He then decides that he needs to talk to Chris Harrison.

Why did we need to see this?  Frank already knows why he’s here.  As far as we know, they haven’t been within 20 yards of each other all season.  How could Chris possibly provide good advice?  Chris, in his infinite wisdom, suggested that Frank tell Ali how he feels.  No shit.  Can we get the real Steve Gadlin to handle this next time?  At least he’d draw a cat or something.

My wife and I made bets on how quickly Ali’s hair will go from looking kinda crappy to really crappy.  I went with less than a minute.  It happened after their first hug which was about three seconds in.  As soon as Frank said, “We need to talk” Ali busted out the pouty face that she usually reserves for rose ceremonies.  We are then quickly treated to Ali’s pouty face morphing into a wait-a-second-I’m-the-one-supposed-to-be-doing-the-dumping-face.  How dare he think about another person while he’s dating her?  Doesn’t he know that their relationship is exclusive?

Frank’s news led to the following exchange:
Ali: “I gave up everything to be here.”
Frank: “I gave up everything, too.”
Ali: “Apparently not everything.”
ZING!
Then she threw her sandals like a child and said, “I’m going to go.  I need to deal with this somehow.”  Somehow?  Somehow?!  How will you ever make it through, Ali?  By choosing Roberto, that’s how.

Ali kept repeating that she, “…never imagined that something like this would happen.”  Really?  Didn’t you basically do the same thing to Jake?  You bailed before the show ended.  That’s just what Frank is doing.  Sure, you did it for your job and Frank’s doing it for another girl but it’s essentially the same thing.  How could you not see that Karma train coming?

Ali wondered aloud if there was something wrong with her and then asked the camera several times why Frank didn’t mention the other girl to her.  Really?  Has she really convinced herself that she wouldn’t have cut him and dealt with the 20 other guys that didn’t have unresolved feelings for an ex-girlfriend?  There is something wrong with her.

The Rose Ceremony
This isn’t canceled?  Do they think we’re stupid?  Two guys, two roses.  It’s like youth sports leagues today, no one loses!  Do they really think we’re dumb enough to believe that one of the final two might turn down a rose?

My roses go to:

  • Tahiti — for making me want to be there right now.
  • Nicole — for letting us in to your tiny, tiny apartment.
  • Ali — for having absolutely no sense of irony, or humor.
  • The Tahitian Natives — for never appearing on screen so that we can believe that no one actually inhabits the island.
  • The oysters — for not screaming while being torn apart by our greedy reality show pearl hunters.
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