The Bachelorette – A Review – Episode #8

You know, I almost forgot it was my week. I was busy getting my wife to finish “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” so we could watch it (it’s on Netflix Streaming!!) So, she finished the book, we watched the movie – not a terrible adaptation of the book – and then, the DVR told me it had recorded “The Bachelorette.” Damn. Well, here goes nothing.

Seriously, nothing. Let’s hope we at least get to travel to another far-off distant land, like Auckland, and watch them try to eat fried grasshoppers to prove their love…

Lisbeth, you would kick Ali's ass.

What? We’re back in the US already? Damn. As a viewer, I feel robbed. I guess now, we get to skip across the US, and meet the families that created the schmucks we are left with.

We start in Tampa. Where we are at a school. Yay. And Ali has no idea what she is going to do today – even though the hints are “we’re going to be a little active” (from the ex-baseball player). Annnndddd…. we end up in a baseball field. And, we yet once again learn that girls shouldn’t play baseball. I will now truly be insulted after someone says, “You throw like a girl.” Bachelorette Producers – you produce like a girl.

And then we have a romantic 19 minutes on the baseball field where Ali gets a baseball card, a history lesson, and learns that Roberto’s dad is an Army Ranger – and she’s scared. You can tell that these are real people and not actors with the amount of “Ums” that are released through the intimate getaway in the middle of a baseball field. Next week Jeff, take a shot everytime one of the 3 guys left says, “Um.” I will turn you into an alcoholic before the end of this show.

Ali sits down with Roberto’s family for dinner, and is SUPER EXCITED TO BE HEEEEEREEEEEEEE. If I have a son, and if that son tells me that he’s going on The Bachelorette, and if he brings back Ali, I will cry on camera. From the 1-1 father/Ali interview – this is what I’ve learned about Ali:

  • She wants to own a business.
  • She wants to do a lot of things.
  • And…. Um. She… wants to ‘team up’

Well. Sounds like she’s REALLY thought through these things. And they end things with a SALSA DANCE! Not. At. All. Stereotypical. And guess what? Roberto’s family loves the ABC Princess and think she’s not a mermaid who wished for feet – and it’s OK for Roberto to love her! Yay! Is it racist if I say I could really go for an elote after that segment? Well, I could.

After the most exciting commercial break (seriously, the producers of the commercial breaks should give the Bachelorette producers a lesson) – we learn that Chris is excited because he is about to blend some of his favorite things:

  • Ali
  • Cape Cod
  • His Family
  • Vanilla Ice Cream

Ok, so I added the Ice Cream. I’d like to blend some of my favorite things:

  • An Ice Pick
  • My eyeballs

But sometimes, we don’t get what we want. And, that’s the lesson of The Bachelorette. Some people are just not meant to love on National TV. Even with the Power of Disney. And the date begins with a walk on the beach, playing ball with Jenny, and a story about whale mating. Other stuff happens. Usually when fastforwarding through commercials, I’ll rewind if I skip past the beginning of the show. I don’t when watching The Bachelorette. However, I DID catch the obligatory “perfect storm” reference now that we’re in Cape Cod. And then Ali puts on the lawyer hat, and uses the same reasons she likes Roberto as the same reasons she likes Chris. Yup, makes sense, the writers couldn’t come up with anything else. How about… “I like his hair.” I think she should like Frank because of his hair. I think I might buy a Corolla – that was an inspiring commercial.

Kinda low that Dad pulls out the sympathy vote with the fact that mom died. KInda low dad, kinda low (but smooth). Cliches also included in the Chris-Dad convo:

  • Soulmate
  • Orchestrate from above
  • First born
  • Bittersweet good-bye
  • Porn

Ok, so I added porn – but you know Dad wanted to know if they had “sealed the deal” but was afraid to ask. And then they go to a strange rock tower, and make out in front of the family – always the way I ended a date in which I brought a girl back to meet the family.

I missed where Kirk lives – but it doesn’t matter. If there is a rose ceremony, he’s the one getting cut. Ali doesn’t even bother taking off her coat – she knows she’s splitting. Especially after Dad says, “Ali, do you want to see my basement?” If I’m ever a Dad, and my son brings a girl back, I’m definitely asking her if she wants to go down to the basement.

I’m gonna say Kirk is from Missouri. It’s just a gut feeling.

Then stuff happens. You can just tell that Ali is NOT into this family as much as she is with Roberto and Chris – if she could, she would have an orgy with each of their whole family, but with this, she’s willing to keep it just lunch. And it continues to go downhill after meeting real Mom. AND, I learn he’s from Wisconsin. Is there a difference between Missouri and Wisconsin? Then nothing happens. Before, with other dates, stuff happens. Here, nothing happens. In fact, I fell asleep, and woke up when the commercial came on.

Put Ali in one of these next time you recap the episode, and I promise to watch every season.

And this was obviously shot entirely on location at Navy Pier – the icon of Chicago. My favorite part of the Hometown Tour? The fact that every meet-up has them running into each others’ arms. Lamely. Then they sit on a boat and talk. And Ali hates talking about feelings. You see, this is a TV show, and since it’s a TV show, it’s supposed to be bubbles and happy things. So, when Frank starts talking serious, Ali gets sad-faced and gets icky. And Ali can’t reassure Frank that she has feelings for him forever. Yup – THIS is the girl of any guy’s dreams!

And then we go to Not-Chicago that ABC tells us is Chicago. And the family eats Italian beef sandwiches. And what the hell? They are probably in Crystal Lake now, and there, of course, is the “Asian Sitting Room” in which Frank reveals his innermost feelings to his sister (who’s preggers) and the bro-in-law. And then more talking. I can’t stop looking at Franks’ chest – I think it has to do with the wife-beater. Don’t they teach girls in health class to not date guys who wear wife-beaters with cardigans? If not, they should add that to the curriculum.

And the most boring date of the evening ends.

Rose Ceremony
Steve Gadlin escorts Ali out of the limo, and we recap EVERYTHING WE JUST SAW. Time-filler 101. It’s like I was watching that episode of Family Ties when Mallory and Skippy get stuck in the basement, and put on the beaver costumes, and reminisce about all the other eps of weird things that happened. Next time, Steve Gadlin and Ali should put on beaver costumes.

IF at this point, anyone watching is surprised that she sends Kirk home – you’re an idiot. And does it bother anyone else that Roberto’s tie is never cinched up to the neck? What’s his deal? Who the hell does he think he is? Doesn’t his Army Ranger dad teach him anything?

My Rose Ceremony

  • To Toyota – for buying enough commercials that I now visualize a Corolla every time I see “The Bachelorette”
  • To Steve Gadlin – for helping Ali recap everything we spent 2 hours watching – WHEW!
  • To Ali – for admitting that she may not be able to convince a guy that she loves him forever
  • To the Producers for creating the most stereotypical scenarios across the country (Cape Cod house in Cape Cod with a Black Lab?! Well played.)
  • To Toyota – did I mention I want a Corolla?
  • To Ali – for the waterworks on cue, and for saying that she didn’t choose him, and that it wasn’t personal.