This week Ali and the five guys jetted off to Lisbon, Portugal. Lisbon is best known as the birthplace of the grilled cheese sandwich. It’s also the place the cast seems least excited to visit. Maybe it’s because the pressure is on. The guys who get roses this week get to take Ali home to meet their parents which means that Stephen will be forced to make fun of people who really didn’t want to be on TV in the first place.
I wish everyone would stop saying “five guys” because it’s making me hungry for burgers.
1-on-1 Date, Roberto
Why does Ali’s hair always look terrible? Is that a thing now? Is terrible hair the new good hair?
Ali and Roberto just walked around Lisbon and snapped photos. Roberto reveals why he never made it to the majors — he doesn’t even have the hand-eye coordination to take a decent photo of Ali jumping off a bench. At one point Ali said “If Roberto and I were together, this is what it would be like.” Guess what, this is what it is like. Does anyone on this show actually enjoy the moments they have on the show or are they too focused on what might happen next?
After the impromptu photo session, they got on the most boring roller coaster ever. It slowly wound it’s way through the streets of Lisbon. It may have been a trolley. They ended up having some sort of dinner on the ruins of some steps where Ali had to cover her legs with a blanket because her skirt was so short all of Lisbon would have seen her cooch.
Ali is reveling in the fact that the guys have to gush over her and be demonstrative while she can continue to keep all of her thoughts to herself and internalize her trust issues. Which brings me to…
I have a confession. After I read Stephen’s review, I went back and watched the Rated-R portion of last week’s episode. I couldn’t miss the Earth shaking revelation that Rated-R had a girlfriend at home. My question: Why didn’t any of the remaining guys express concern over how Ali handled the whole thing? It doesn’t bode well for their future relationships that she passive-aggressively called him out in front of everyone.
2-on-1 Date, Frank and Ty
The return of the helicopter. Is it just me or has it been at least one episode since we’ve had a helicopter date? It’s good to have it back. It may be our most interesting character. After the helicopter dropped them off (so long, helicopter, we’ll miss you), they made their way to a large unnamed castle.
On the way — make sure you’re sitting down — they saw a deer. Oh. My. God. In Portugal. A deer!
Ali, Frank and Ty then shared an awkward dinner during which they only talked about how awkward it was. Also, are we to believe that the restaurant wasn’t a TV set? That didn’t look anything like a restaurant. Watch it again. I’m pretty sure it’s the Seinfeld set repainted. In order to break the awkwardness, she pulled Ty away to ask him about his divorce and his “traditional values.” When Ali says “traditional values” I think she actually means “traditional values” not “anti-gay” like when politicians say “traditional values.” Frank took the opportunity during his alone time to mention that he lives at home with his parents. He was wise to not mention his World of Warcraft account. He managed to make it a bigger deal than it needed to be and still played it into sympathy from Ali. Is there anything she doesn’t fall for? Then they were suddenly sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
1-on-1 Date, Kirk
All the date card read was: “Once upon a time.” What is this? The DiVinci Code? How is he supposed to know what to wear?
Ali claimed to be preoccupied during the date. Really? Her brain can handle two things at once? Plus, she’d already gone out on her date with Roberto so she’s just not into the rest of them. They should always save his dates for last.
She and Kirk took a horse and carriage ride to some old castle and neither of them had the vocabulary to describe it.
Eventually, Ali and Kirk had a dinner that was even more awkward than the date with Frank and Ty. Ali admitted, “I’m just worried that I won’t be good enough for you one day.” That’s the deal, Ali. There are no guarantees. This is love, not Kmart. After dinner, they walked to some steps where they are serenaded by a lady dressed like a Muppet. It was probably the most romantic moment ever on the Bachelorette.
1-on-1 Date, Chris
He and Ali hopped on a scooter and drove really, really slowly. It even looked slow. They should have just walked. Eventually, they arrived at their destination and Ali said, “It sounds like your whole family just messes around together.” Who knew she was into incestual orgies?
For dinner, they went to a winery. Prior to the date, Chris promised that his funny, charming self would be there. Instead, he brought his serious, boring self who said things like, “I like the way we’ve talked.” Then he gave her a bracelet and attempted to put it on her. It was as awkward as a trying to pin a corsage on your prom date’s strapless dress.
The Rose Ceremony
They reminded us several times that the recipients of these roses would get the all important hometown dates where Ali gets to meet their parents. So you know, absolutely nothing was on the line once again. Ali gave roses to everyone but Ty. I guess spotting deer is not a trait she’s looking for in a man.
My roses go to:
Update on Jake and Vienna’s Breakup
Jake’s explanation: “I went away and then I was on the cover of five magazines.”
Vienna’s explanation: “He emotionally abused me.”
Then they called each other liars the entire time. They’re both right. Listen, I don’t care about these assholes. I don’t know why they had to shove them in my face during this show. It was the most worthless half hour of television I’ve ever seen.