The Bachelorette – Episode #5 – A Review

This week Ali and the bachelors jet off to the romantic tropical island of… Iceland?  Yes, Iceland.  Home of the air traffic halting volcano eruption.  In fact, they were there while the volcano was erupting.  We can only hope they’ll cut to the erupting volcano every time Ali makes out with a guy.

In order to earn a 1-on-1 date with Ali the guys had to write a love poem and perform it for her.  Sometimes bad television gives me a gift.  A sweet, sweet gift covered in cheese and sap.  Quick, what rhymes with “guard and protect your heart”?  Crazy, that’s what.

The poems confirmed that maybe three of these guys can actually read.  Crazy Kasey mumbled through his poem and they finally took the chance to make fun of his deaf voice.  I’ve been waiting for this all season.  I knew they couldn’t avoid it forever.

1-on-1 Date, Kirk
I don’t want to bag on Iceland since the country is broke and covered in ash but Ali and Kirk spent most of their date in a sweater store.  A sweater store.  When they were in Los Angeles there were helicopters, in New York they performed in The Lion King.  The best Iceland can do is a sweater store?  Thank god they managed to find matching sweaters.

Any of the bachelors.

During dinner Kirk told a really long story about how he fell deathly ill in college due to his house being infested with mold.  Dude.  Not during the salad course.  She’s trying to eat lettuce in a foreign country with questionable health standards and failed banks.  Despite ruining dinner, his story worked.  She cast aside all her doubts and gave him a rose.  He had to know that deadly mold would come in handy eventually.

Group Date
These guys already look alike when they are dressed differently, so why dress them all in the exact same blue snowsuit?  To point out how they are all completely interchangeable.  Ali and the smurfs hopped on tiny horses and rode up the side of a mountain to a giant hole.  They descended into Ali’s giant hole and came out the other side.  I can only assume the producers did this especially for me.

After emerging from Ali’s anus they headed off to a natural hot spring because The Bachelorette is never complete unless half the cast gets naked.  I still couldn’t tell them apart.  Ali got wasted, made out with a bunch of dudes and gave a rose to the one smurf who knew how to ride a tiny horse.

2-on-1 Date, Crazy Kasey and Rated-R
Much to my delight, they decided to pair up the crazy tattoo guy with Rated-R.  Throw in a helicopter and a remote location and it’s a recipe for television’s first date rape/double murder suicide.  Who will be the killer?  Will it be the deaf guy who insists upon “guarding and protecting her heart” or the hyper-competitive professional wrestler?  I can only hope the volcano beats them both to the punch.  The helicopter landed next to the erupting volcano and Ali immediately led Crazy Kasey and Rated-R to a cave.  Can the producers be tried as accomplices when one of them kills them all in a remote Icelandic cave?

Crazy Kasey decided to take this opportunity to reveal his tattoo.  In the process he said the words “guard and protect your heart” about three hundred times.  Thanks to Stephen’s challenge, I’m wasted.  I’m sending Stephen a bill for that liquor.  Or does it count as a business expense?  Should I just send Rhymefest the bill?  He’s the one in charge here, right?

Anyway, she gave Rated-R the rose and the two of them flew away in a helicopter and left Crazy Kasey on the volcano all alone with his tattoo.  We can only assume that Crazy Kasey is still there living in that cave and guarding and protecting its heart.

The Rose Ceremony
Maybe I’m drunk (okay, I’m definitely drunk), but I’m pretty sure they are adding guys to this show.  Some dude that I’ve never seen before showed up at the final party and rose ceremony.  I don’t think he even had a name and it was pretty obvious that he was wearing a borrowed suit.  You thought I was drunk enough to let that slip by.

My roses go to:

  • Crazy Kasey — for sounding like he’s reading from a romance novel by saying things like, “I love to love, I love to give, I love to share.”
  • The crew — for audibly cringing every time Kasey opened his mouth.
  • Ali — for letting everyone climb around inside her hole.
  • Craig — for drawing a fake tattoo on his arm.
  • Ryhmefest — for paying for my shots.