We’re Sorry, Joe Barton, For The Burden You Carry

Rahm Emmanual has famously said you should never let a crisis go to waste. In the latest crisis for Republicans, Republican Representative Joe Barton apologized to BP during congressional testimony. Republicans now have a great opportunity to go ahead and apologize to everyone they feel the American people and nature, have ever wronged. Fortunately, I received a memo from the Republican National headquarters that outlines 10 of these apologies.

  1. First, in the name of calling out unfair oil spills, the Republicans would like to apologize to the Exxon Valdez after the ground came out of mother fucking nowhere and got in its way.
  2. Next up: Republicans would like to say sorry to Enron, for having such whiny-ass shareholders.
  3. Republicans would also like to take this opportunity to apologize to California insurance companies harmed by damage claims due to wildfires. Stupid wildfires. Insurance Companies, if you feel bad for anything, it should be that you couldn’t get out of paying claims to Hollywood liberals.
  4. The memo I have here also states that Republicans would like to offer a sincere, heartfelt apology to credit card companies. You should be able to rape people if you want. And by rape, we mean increase their interest rates without telling them. And then of course, actually raping them.
  5. Sorry Bank of America. We think you should be able to charge people a $35 fee for using their line of credit, even though they already pay interest on it.
  6. WorldCom. See number 2.
  7. Slave Owners. Sorry that the slaves got all bent out of shape.
  8. Bullets. We’re sorry that you get a bad rap for penetrating flesh and killing people.
  9. R.J. Reynolds. No big deal.
  10. Finally – a big apology to NBC. Sorry for your troubles, but thank you for bringing back Jay Leno. We love that guy!