The Bachelorette – Episode #3 A Review

So, apparently every episode IS 2 hours long.

This sucks.

I don’t even know who was kicked off from last week – everyone looks the same. What I do know is that a dude gets a tattoo tonight. In order to help make this exciting, I’m adding a “!” after every event. Let’s hope it works!(!)

At the beginning, Steve Gadlin comes in, and tells the guys, you know this awesome house? Screw it, we’re taking you around the world. ABC has picked up the tab to send 11 douchebags around the world to make the World wonder, “Why, America, why?” According to Ali, this event will “take things to the next level.” They must be at like Level 37 now. If I check the rulebook, level 37 is oiled-up naked orgy. It’s not. Instead we go to NYC! I can’t imagine a more cliche place to begin this. Please tell me they go to Paris next… So, while the stud farm goes from LA to NYC, Ali spends some “me time” some man of “questionable sexuality” plays dress up with his very own lifesize Barbie. Best part? Questionably Gay guy says, “We took photos of you! And you’re gonna be in my magazine! And we’re putting another blonde much more famous than you on the cover!” Boom. You’re no one Ali, even InStyle magazine knows it.

1-1 Date w/Lame Dude!
And our adventure begins with a 1-1 date with…. Some lame dude. I don’t remember his name. They get in a cab, they get in a helicopter, they get in a park, they get in the Natural History Museum after closing with flashlights, and Lame Dude does NOT get in her pants. Why? Because he is the worst kind of douche, the douche who uses butterfly/cocoon metaphors and sings a capella when he gets nervous. It was awkward for ME – and I was just watching it. In the end, he doesn’t ge a rose, BUT he doesn’t have to leave either. I think then the flip switched in Lame Dude, and he turned into “super scary stalker douche” – because he had that look in his eye. You know that look, I think it’s officially referred to as “rape eye” – the “I’m gonna MAKE you love me.”

*sigh* When does Modern Family come back?

Group Date w/7 Guys and a Lion!
We then jump back to the condos where the stud farm has parked it for a few days. Here’s a quick question – do the guys get to put in their order for alcohol, or do they just get what the producers give them? Let’s say I loved Red Stripe (I don’t) and that’s all I drank – would they pick it up for me when I needed it? Anywhoo – it’s group date time! Yay! In Tyra Banks/ANTM fashion – the names of the boys are accompanied by a cryptic message along the lines of “Let’s do a Broadway Play” or something. So, naturally, all the guys put on tennis shoes and head off to the ESPN Zone in Times Square. Makes sense, right? There, they see a big ad for Ali, and she blows them kisses, and the marquee message reads, “Look for me across the street at the Lion King.” And, sure enough, there she is! OMG! A Broadway play?! Whouda’ thunk the producers could pull something off like this? (Seriously – the group date should have been heading over to Gray’s Papaya and having a hot dog eating contest while drinking smoothies. Please tell me one of these guys has an iPhone, and is checking in via FourSquare at all these locations. If one of them checks in enough times, they could become the Mayor of Ali’s Heart – and in 4sq land – that means you’re awesome.)

Well, it looks like Mr. Weatherman did NOT get kicked off last week. Do you know how I know this? No, I have no freakin’ memory of what this guy looked like, it’s because I just heard some jackhole tell me the “forecast is for sunny skies.” Can I poke out my ears?

They get to the Lion King, and the 7 douches have to ‘audition’ for the part of Ali’s date. After a dance-off and a sing-off – Broadway-style, we find out that only Roberto has rhythm and that Weatherman can’t sing. After the audition, Roberto gets the gig – and it’s announced that these two are going to ruin a performance for 700 paying people by doing some aerobatics. I hope it was a Wednesday evening performance. No one dies, and they go to an after party… of just the 8 of them. There, Ali announces that she’s REALLY sick (what a trooper – she DID THE SHOW!) She then goes off and in the middle of a rainstorm, while sick, TOTALLY makes out with Frank. I mean she’s got some sort of viral infection that’s making her voice all scratchy, and Frank is like, “Give it to me! I’ll take whatever’s on that tongue because I believe I found love on a TV show!” So she’s all like, “Cool, here you go.” and then he’s like, “Ali’s awesome, I’m awesome, I hope I make it to the sex date! What? There is no sex date?” Then Roberto pops his head in and says, “Oh, there WILL BE… There willlll beeee.” And then laughs maniacally.

Ok, only some of that last part happened – I’ll let you figure out what. However, it is only now that I realize that THERE IS STILL 1 HOUR LEFT OF THIS SHOW. Oh for God’s sake.

1-1 Sick Date!
Oh right, one more 1-1 date. It’s Chris L’s Birthday! He gets to spend it with sick Ali! Yay. Personally, a pretty good date with Ali is to be stuck in her hotel room for the day – you don’t have to put on airs, AND you already know she makes out when she’s sick, so there’s a decent chance you’ll get some because, well, the bed is RIGHT THERE. I’ll just sum up the rest of the date by saying, “Who is Joshua Radin? Is this someone Disney is trying to push on us? Ugh. Chris L, you did a FANTASTIC job faking excitement. Is there anything grosser than watching two people awkwardly kiss? I don’t think there is.”

The Cocktail Party!
And now, we get the jockeying during the Cocktail Party. Blah blah blah. He accusses him of not loving Ali and not being here for the right reasons, him say that dude is crazy – I don’t even know anymore. However, a little bit of reality set in, and Lame Dude did NOT show the tattoo to Ali, you know, because it was a STUPID THING TO DO. Has “Protect and Guard Your Heart” become a meme yet? It will, next week, Jeff will take a shot every time Kasey utters, “Protect and Guard Ali’s heart” or variation there-of. Another thing I learned? The Weatherman is not just a weatherman, he’s also a singer/songwriter – apparently he’s waited until now to unleash his secret weapon: the guitar. I wish one of these guys would pull out a guitar and start singing, “I gave my love a cherry/That had no stone…” and see if Ali gets the reference. If yes – AWESOME. If no, the dude slaps the guitar on his back, and walks off the show. Finally, Steve Gadlin appears, and tells us that Ali has to go make some decisions because, it’s time for:

The Rose Ceremony!
Ali starts passing out roses like they’re pennies, and she’s the rich grandma. It seems as though everyone is going to get a rose, until, before we know it – there’s only one rose left, and 3 dudes! What?! Steve Gadlin comes in, and confirms my suspicions that there is only one rose left, and leaves. Ali then has to decided amongst Some Dude(?), Weatherman, and Lame Dude. Whoa. THIS is drama. Apparently, she didn’t know who the first guy was either, because she didn’t pick him. She also did not dig being serenaded, poorly, because Weatherman went home! She kept around the guy who gave her “rape eye” earlier in the show! I can see the attraction to this show now people, will there, or will there not be a hate crime/felony perpetrated before the end of the season?! Stick around to find out!

My Rose Ceremony:

  • Kasey for teaching me how to convince a woman to love me, and for me to prove my dedication to her and her well-being, and how to prove I’m genuine and sincere, AND how to do it without her thinking I’m crazy: get a tattoo.
  • To Jesse for saying, “I’m excited to see my dogs again.” and meaning it. Thank you for a eency bit of realism in this Reality Show.
  • To Ali for finally getting rid of Weatherman.
  • To Steve Gadlin who continues to navigate the tough narratives with ease and composure.
  • To Rated-R for stepping up to the plate, and truly being the bad guy.
  • To Disney, for making “The Lion King” relevant again, and spurring some much-needed sales while they ready “The Little Mermaid: The Musical.”