The Bachelorette – Episode #1 – Review

Is every episode two hours long? If so, it’s gonna be a long summer.

I missed the premiere, but from what I gather, a bunch of guys have to kill animals, farm and perform randome tasks for the love of Smurfette. One of the aforementioned tasks to be accomplished was to go on a ‘date’ with blondie. This ‘date’ consisted of: hopping in a car, driving, and visiting the Hollywood sign. Oh yeah, you also get to make out with her. I must say, blondie and Quirky Guy are excellent actors – they were SUPER SURPRISED when the car broke down while on the 101 (oh noes!) so they get out, and walk to the nearest cab to be taken to the Walk of Fame where they proceed to get mobbed by “fans” of the Bachelorette (seriously, fans?) Then, they got to neck and eat cupcakes, and blondie handed him a rose and said, “I really like this guy, and I’m not gonna hide it, but I’m gonna go make out with 16 other guys, because that’s what ABC pays me for.”

Really Quick: Are we supposed to be proud of blondie for quitting her job to find love? Because, you know, she is getting paid by ABC to do this.

Ok, so then blondie puts on her bikini top, some Old Navy cargo pants, and meets 12 guys on the beach where they play guitar, touch legs and make fun of the dude in the cast. They shoot pictures for a sexy calendar that can be bought on for a good cause. (this cause is never mentioned – I think it’s for saving the youth of America from shitty shows like this) Then, after the fun day in the sun, they all go and have drinks with a bartender and blondie where they get 1-on-1 time. In this 1-on-1 time, you are supposed to open up and tell blondie some deep dark secrets. Like you were married before, you would walk up a mountain with a crutch, or youwant to be known as a whiny bitch. Of all the guys on this show, the only one I know is the kid who looks like he was just cast in the remake for Goonies. He took Karate, and if you come at him, he will put up his hand. Hi-Yah. Oh yeah, he’s also a weatherman, so you know, if you piss him off, he’ll refer to you as some meteorological storm. For example, instead of calling someone a douche, he’ll call them, “An F5 tornado.”

Dude, we all saw Twister.

She then handed out a rose to someone who was married before.

Cut to 5 guys hanging out (I think there’s a total of 22 guys in the running now?), and apparently, only one of them gets another super-awesome date. They jump on a plane, and, now, I’ve been to Vegas. They make it seem like they got dropped off at McCarran, and then drove 45 minutes in a top-down Ferrari, and just arrived in Vegas. We all know, the Strip is 7 minutes from the airport. I call LIAAAAARRRR!

They head off to Liquid (amazing what ABC can get you) and after blondie comes out dressed in a hot pink bikini, and Missouri looks to the screen and says, “I definitely want to uncover more about blondie.” Someone tell me that there’s a staff of writers just off-screen handing one-liners to these guys. It’s the ONLY explanation. This is followed by a swanky dinner in a Sky Villa in Aria where blondie reveals a little more about her personality: Blondie likes black ties. Because it’s so unique. A black tie. She really likes it. She’s a truly unique individual. They then go and have a private performance by Jamie Cullom.

Who’s Jamie Cullum? Would blondie have taken her rose back if Missouri said, “Who the fuck is this? And what color underwear are you wearing?”

Then they have a really long cocktail hour. In which blondie talks to everyone, and everyone is free to interrupt any other guy at any time to complain about the other guys. That happens a lot. Ok, it happens only with the Goonies-Reboot. The only thing I know is that we have one pussy, and one evil guy on the show. And, that if Evil Guy makes it pass the Rose Ceremony, Pussy knows there IS NO GOD. I hope the Catholic Church heard that. I want the Vatican to boycott “The Bachelorette” like they boycotted “Avatar.”

Quick shot of blondie taking 5×7 framed portraits and staring longingly at them, and then we cut to Steve Gadlin telling all the guys that if you don’t get a rose, you go home. Blondie continues handing out roses until there is one left, and then Steve Gadlin comes back out and tells the audience, “There is one rose left.” Cool. Had trouble counting. Evil Guy #1 does NOT get a rose! REALLY interesting – because he was the only one enjoyable to watch on screen. And we HAVE to keep Goonies-Reboot around. Oh well. At least I get a week off.

My Rose Ceremony:

  • The music director for proving that you don’t need a sense of drama or musical talent to get work in Hollywood. That underscoring is BAD.
  • Blondie for turning giggling into an art. An annoying, death-inducing art.
  • Weatherman for securing his position in next season’s “The Bachelorette” – as The Bachelorette.
  • Evil Guy #1 for going the distance into putting on Weatherman’s clothes for a bit.
  • Evil Guy #2 for being competitive with a cast. And a learning disability.