Sprout Recall

An outbreak of salmonella in 10 states has prompted the recall of sprouts. You know why else sprouts should be recalled? Because they taste bad.

Let me put it another way: Sprouts are dumb. They are a dumb food. It’s like eating dirt.

Me At Jimmy John’s: I’ll take a #4, no sprouts. In fact, can you please remove all sprouts from your restaurant. They are a terrible, terrible food. If they have nutritional value, I say, so does dirt. And worms. Both of which taste no worse than sprouts. So I hear.

Stoned guy behind cash register: (stares).

So food industry people and gods of salmonella, do us a favor – when you figure out what caused this deadly outbreak, go ahead and don’t tell us. Just keep people guessing so they stop buying sprouts.

And the next time you’re at the store thinking about buying a bag of sprouts, buy lettuce instead. Though lettuce has no taste, you can splash on some balsamic vinegar and olive oil and end up with some flavor. With sprouts, the taste of dirt will climb it’s muddy way through the dressing and land on your tongue. You will be mad.

If we are what we eat, perhaps choose not to be dirt.