Review of Robin Hood (2010)

(From L to R) Oldest, Old, Older

Oh the hell you have rained down on us Hollywood. This creative union of Russell Crowe and Ridley Scott will bore and scare you.

“Rise and rise again until lambs become lions…” Guys, you’re right. I don’t know why this hadn’t happened before now, but Robin Hood TOTALLY needed a makeover with a snappy tagline. Something we can put on rings and pendants and sell in SkyMall catalogs. Besides that, even though Costner’s “Robin Hood” wasn’t necessarily the best movie out there, at least Costner got in shape. Crowe’s looking a little big around the edges, he lost his “Gladiator” look.

Oh wait. I get it now. Robin Hood is just the sequel to Gladiator. I swear to God, if Crowe bends down, and rubs his hands in Sherwood Forest before going to battle – I’m gonna personally kick him in the head. There is NOTHING in the previews that says to me they wrote an original script. They opened Gladiator, did a Find and Replace for “Ancient Greese” with “Sherwood Forest” and “Ingenue” for “older, haggier looking actress” and then went to shoot it in Canada. I thought it was “Maid Marion” not “Super Hag Marion” – don’t get me wrong, Cate Blanchett is a beautiful woman – however, they MADE her look terrible. Not someone that I would want Robin Hood to get in the first place. In one of the trailers, she says something to the effect of

…you’ll sleep on thy floor, and if’n you should manifest an attempt to parlay a sneak into my chamber, I shall dispose of your man parts.

Not. To. Worry. I’ll sleep on the floor over here.

Like a lion, I will not fall for the “Ridley Scott can write his own check” tagline that seems to go with all his movies. I wish you the best of luck – why don’t you get back to work on the “Aliens” prequel you promised us?

Final Review: I would sooner watch Sex and the City 2: Cougars on Parade then this.