Will sugarfree gum survive the Apocalypse?

The only reason I ask is because it can quite literally, do everything else. It can help you get laid, pay your babysitter, allow you to confront your cheating husband, get racked in the balls by a goat, float in an LCD Soundsystem video surrounded by ball bearings and date twins.

It seems the be the perfect food. It’s sugarfree – so your teeth won’t rot. It keeps your mouth happy, so you don’t have to kiss a member of the opposite sex. It changes flavors mid-chew, so you don’t have to eat more than one. You can hide it under your desk to “mark your spot” (meaning yoiu don’t have to relieve yourself in public). You can chew it, and then use it to steal a priceless mask from a hi-tech security system in a museum. You can use it to plug a hole in a pipe (at least until you get a real plumber to use more expensive gum).

All the passing references to duct tape being the “Force” – there’s a light side, there’s a dark side, it bounds the world together, etc. etc. Fuck that. I’m gonna go with gum. The expiration dates on these things are decades into the future. Of everything that we as a society have created, I’m most impressed with sugarfree gum. Through the magic of science, we have CREATED a malleable substance that can take on pretty much ANY flavor. Mango peppermint? Check. Strawberry banana? Check. Zesty pepperoni? Check. Old whore? Check. Somehow, we have not yet figured out how to cure cancer, or even improve upon the design of the toilet in the last 100 years, but what we have done is take any conceivable flavor, package it up in something no larger than… a stick of gum – and deliver it at affordable, reasonable prices to just about any corner in the world.

And it can help you quit smoking.

Have the inventors of sugarfree gum been inducted into the Nobel Prize Hall of Fame? They should be. Can I write somewhere to get that to happen? Future generations are going to have faster computers, and 3D brain technology, but we will forever be the generation that created sugarfree gum – no expiration date, no upgrading, the perfect food in it’s 1.0 version.

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