Dancing With the Stars Week 7 – A Review

Real men cry. Or not.

I never watch the elimination shows because I can always find out who was voted out at the beginning of the next week’s show.  Or the Internet.  This week was different.  My wife informed me of two things: 1) Jake Pavelka was voted off. 2) He cried.  I had to go online and verify this for myself.  It is true.  America went above and beyond their duty and not only kept Niecy Nash on the show but got rid of Mr. Cheeseball himself.  And then he cried.  It was perfect.  THEN, in classic Jake style he managed to top his own crying by saying, “I can’t imagine what in life could top Dancing With the Stars.”

You can’t imagine what could top Dancing With the Stars?  Sounds like you’ve reached your apex, buddy; you should probably just end it now.

This week is the Cha-Cha-Challenge.  They are dividing the dancers into teams and they will compete against each other for more of those magical, meaningless points.  I assume they will be doing the Cha-Cha but there’s also a good chance that a producer stutters and no one else on the show has enough sense to remove the leading “Cha-Cha.”

This week’s hot gossip: Nicole Scherzinger is dating the middle judge.  You know, the old one.

Erin Andrews
Erin and her partner spent the whole lead-in arguing about how her partner shouldn’t take off his pants during the routine because the judges yelled at him last week for taking off his shirt.  He insisted on taking of his pants and walked out like a baby.  So tense, so dramatic.  How will they possibly survive?

They began their dance in black outfits.  She ripped off her skirt to reveal a pink dress underneath and then he ripped off his black pants to reveal pink pants underneath!  They fooled us!  We totally thought Maks was going to tear off his pants and piss off the judges and then he didn’t!  Oh my God!  It all would have been so perfect if we all weren’t complete idiots and didn’t know how television editing works.

My score: I’m insulted.

Chad Ochocinco
The lead-in and dancing were boring.  Really boring.  That’s why this show sucks.

Things finally got interesting when the one female judge called him sexy and you could see him falling in love with her like a fourth-grader falls in love with his teacher.  During their post-dance interview, Brooke Burke grilled them about the lavish gifts Chad had been giving his partner for her birthday.  A Brooke Burke “grilling” consists of her asking, “Is there anything we should know” over and over.  It was easily the most dramatic thirty seconds of never.

My score: I confess that I walked my dog during his performance.

Nicole Scherzinger
How does a whiny hot girl combat my ridicule?  She dedicates her dance to her aunt with Down Syndrome.

How does a whiny hot girl regain my ridicule?  She dances the Viennese Waltz to a cover of a song that sounded like a cover when it was an original.  Have I mentioned how bad the band is?  The judges loved the dance because boring seems to be the goal on this show.  She should always be required to do a dance that involves jiggling.

My score: Play to your strengths.

Pamela Anderson
During the lead-in Pamela said, “You don’t want to know what’s going on in my head.”  She’s right.  In fact, she’s built her career on it.  We also got to see her hose animal poop out of a crate.  I’m not sure what that has to do with dancing, but we got to see a bunch of tiny animal boners.

Again, I’m amazed.  She doesn’t even have to do anything and everyone starts talking about sex.  The judges kept talking about her “firm upper body” and her “huge improvements.”  It’s not even her fault anymore.  Everyone goes sex crazy when she’s around.

My score: I think she’s a robot.

Niecy Nash
We need more contestants that tell off Kelly Osbourne, make references to divorced couples and actually seem to be having fun with her partner during rehearsal.  Right now we only have one.  Everyone else makes it seem like being on this show is a chore.  When she goes home, I’m going to need a Clockwork Orange type set-up to watch this show.

All the judges agree, BEST DANCE EVER!  Believe it or not, she was actually excited when she got good scores, screaming, “I can dance!”  I want to buy this woman a cookie.

My score: Silver lining.

Hetrosexuality is just out of reach.

Evan Lysacek
Desperate times for Evan.  He didn’t dance well last week and was very concerned that he wouldn’t be able out dance all of the other contestants who don’t do something that is exactly like dancing for their professions.  This means that the lead-in was boring and we didn’t get to see his partner do the mind-erasing walk.

I started to listen to the judges critiques until one judge said, “Good on wood.”  Don’t they know that he’s trying to prove to the world that he’s not gay?

My score: The world is against him.

The Cha-Cha-Challenge
Team Gaga: Nicole, Pamela, Chad
Chad is the only contestant in this group with any personality.  Unfortunately, we only got to see him throw a temper tantrum and fall on the floor.  It couldn’t be more clear that this whole exercise is just filler because ABC doesn’t want to churn out another crappy sitcom.

They danced the Cha-Cha to a Lady Gaga song.  Surprise.  I just wish this show wouldn’t throw us so many curveballs.  I can barely keep up.  I could barely keep up with Nicole’s hips, either, but I gave it my best shot.

My score: More dancing is not better.

Team Madonna: Erin, Niecy, Evan
This show is so boring that they’ve been reduced to showing the contestants texting each other.  Yes, they chose to spend valuable airtime showing people sending text messages.  Every television writer in the world is now cleaning his gun.

They should have spent less time texting and more time rehearsing.  See what this show does?  It makes me sound like my mom.

My score: Do writers even have guns?