Good vs. Bad Government Intrusion

I was sipping coffee at Intelligentsia sexting with one of my female undergrad students when I came across Fred the Tuckpointer’s column. I became so enraged I ripped the elbow pads off my tweed jacket.

First of all Fred, President Clinton did not have sexual relations with that woman. He told us that.

Second, I can’t believe you’re still going on about the stain on the dress. Big deal. Who hasn’t left a stain on a dress? Or for you Republicans, suit pants?

Whoever President Obama appoints to the Supreme Court, I can assure you it will not be based on shrewd, tactical strategy. Obama is above all of that political maneuvering.

I think there’s only one choice for his next Supreme Court nominee: William Ayers. There’s a man with a good level head on his shoulders.

I’d be ok with John Elway too.

Obama is going to put the Supreme Court back into its rightful left-leaning place. I don’t want the government involved in any uterus, but I do want it to take away your guns. I say your guns, Fred, because I don’t have any. It freaks me out to have them around when I’ve been smoking… uh, just smoking, like regular cigarettes. To recap proper Government regulation: Uteruses (Uteri?), no; Guns, yes.

Next topic…

I recently came across one of Fred’s family photo albums.

I think I spelled this poorly in grammar school… No wait, kindergarten.

Fred, I have a request: For your next column, will you please show us who in that photo gallery you are related to? I’m assuming most of those folks are either relatives or neighbors.