You can stop watching “V” now.

This show is as good as over. The premise is great, the talent moderate – however the execution…? Leaves a lot to be desired.

Here’s the problem – and how it could be fixed:

  • PROBLEM: We know what the “big secret” is. We KNOW they are lizards. Even my mother, who spends her days watching FoxNEWS knows that “V” stands for “lizard”. You are REBOOTING a show from the 80s. So, producers, writers and show runners – WTF? What’s with all this fake build-up? What you are doing is wasting our time.
    SOLUTION: Get on with it. Show us the gory, lizard beauty, and let the story go from there. You can’t hype shit.
  • PROBLEM: You move at a snail’s pace with this plot. Is there a plot? I’ve totally forgotten why I give a shit anymore. You twist things up priests (?!) and mommies and daddies that lie to their sons (?!) and super awesome terrorists that can change the whole battlefield with their super awesome guerrilla tactic brain for a war that no one even really looks like they’re fighting.
    SOLUTION: Sadly, take a page from “Glee” – they bust through storylines like they’re an 80s Broker doing Coke in the bathroom. Sure, not all of them hit, some of them are incredibly outrageous (even for Glee’s suspension of disbelief) but they don’t waste their time with every minute detail. They get it out, hash it around for an episode or two, then move on – and the whole thing is used to move the arc of the season forward. The beauty of not wasting time is that YOU DON’T HAVE TIME TO HATE IT. By the time you’ve decided, they’ve gone on to something else. Show me a shiny new penny every couple of episodes.

  • PROBLEM: Your romantic lead is a priest or Juliet.
    SOLUTION: Does this really need more explanation? I mean, Juliet is hot, don’t get me wrong – but she was even hotter when wrestling with Kate in the jungle in the rain. Unless she gets to go topless with Anna – the lead “V” – I’m not buying it. And a priest? Seriously? A PRIEST? What kind of sick fuck decided that this was a good idea? A priest who kills is kinda cool, but the last thing I, and I’m gonna bet most of America, wants to see is a priest “steaming up the scene” with a hot blonde. Do you think this was a PR move on behalf of the Church to take our attention away from the whole “priest molestation” thing? Just a thought.
  • PROBLEM: All your leads are from OTHER shows. Other shows WE JUST SAW. Look at it this way – I can name most of the leads from Lost, The 4400, Battlestar Galactica or Smallville. Throw in a little Firefly – and you’ve created a cast of people that say, “Oh, look, it’s someone else.” Sure, you can cut Morena Baccarin’s hair, but she will always be Inara, the professional “companion” from Firefly/Serenity. That’s just who she is because she did that SO WELL. And now? Well, she’s just cashing a paycheck.
    SOLUTION: There is none. ABC fucked this one up.
  • PROBLEM: For the past 6 weeks, they’ve talked about nothing but the “war” that is coming. The “war” to save humanity. And trying to find out the “V’s” “secret agenda”. And all it has been is discussions in back rooms of churches (?!) and cell phone calls.
    SOLUTION: SHUT THE FUCK UP and FIGHT THEM ALREADY. The only reason I started watching this is because, with a big budget, and the backing of a major network, I wanted to see KICK ASS BATTLES. I wanted to see space lasers and lizards going up against the might of the US military. I wanted to see F-16s battle spaceships. I wanted to see “Band of Brothers” type storylines about how we had to take back the White House, how we lost the Mississippi, about the great battle of Chattanooga – all of it. Instead, I get 8 episodes of people telling me to be scared. Don’t tell me, show me.
  • PROBLEM: This is about as interesting as ABC has to follow up when LOST is over. Someone really missed the programming boat on this one. Between this and FlashForward, it’s like someone took some valium, threw a dart at a board, and said, “Holy shit, we’ve got 10 more years of good shows here.” then promptly fell back asleep.
    SOLUTION: Now, I’m not saying that everything I do is fucking gold, but if anyone with half a brain looked at the season arcs of these shows (I’m including FlashForward here) someone should have said, “Ummm guys? This kinda sucks.” There’s a thought being passed around the blogs that America can’t handle sci-fi in primetime anymore. That’s an outright damned lie. America can’t handle SHITTY sci-fi in primetime anymore. We had BSG, we have LOST – Caprica kicks fucking ass. It’s a great show that isn’t getting enough buzz (currently in-between seasons right now) and it’s because it CARES about the story it’s telling. These guys running these shows now, they just don’t give a shit, and it’s clear.