Dancing With the Stars Week 5 – A Review

This week’s gimmick is “Movie Night.”  All of our “stars” will be dancing to “the music of the movies.”  I don’t know if I have enough quotation marks for this show.  Is there a way to put quotation marks in quotation marks?  Is there a way to jam quotation marks through my eyes?

Remember that guy that no one knew in the first place?  Me neither.  He’s gone and now the show is only 90 minutes.  Only 90 painful minutes.

This week’s hot gossip: People Magazine has revealed that all of these stars are illiterate.

Niecy's costume.

Niecy Nash
Niecy’s lead-in is always the only watchable part of this show.  She’s funny and charming and she actually likes her partner.

Niecy was assigned the Jive this week.  Based on the way she was dressed, I’m guessing that Jive is Moroccan for “banana on fire.”  Her movie song was “La Bamba” by Ritchie Valens and Niecy went down in flames just like him.

My score: Isn’t “banana on fire” some kind of dessert?

Chad Ochocinco
There was some serious sexual tension between Chad and his partner during this week’s rehearsal.  She’s clearly trying to play it off like there isn’t something going on between the two of them.  We know better, Schadenfreude.net Reader, thanks to our Pop Culture consultant.

Chad was assigned the Quickstep and the song “Bare Necessities” from The Jungle Book.  Though he was wearing tiger stripes.  You know, because he plays for the Bengals and tigers and bears are practically the same thing.  This was the cheesiest thing I’d ever seen.

My score: Little did I know.

Erin Andrews
No injury this week.  Instead, we just saw Erin and her partner scream at each other the whole time.  If I wanted to see people be mean to each other I’d watch Kate Gosselin’s show.  Did we really need to see these two fight over a shoe?  Can we go back to seeing her injured midsection?

We didn’t get to see any skin revealing injuries, but they dressed her like Uma Thurman from Pulp Fiction so I’m not complaining.  I am complaining, but not about this specific issue.

My score: Sharpening my quotation marks.

Jake Pavelka
I don’t even have words for this.  I now honestly believe that what I’m doing serves a greater purpose than just trying to make you laugh.  I must be the voice of reason because this show is out of control.

They assigned Jake to dance to Bob Seger’s “Old Time Rock and Roll” because “he looks like Tom Cruise.”  Then he comes to rehearsal carrying a volleyball wearing only jeans and sunglasses.  You know, standard DWTS cheese.  Then.  THEN.  Jake comes out on stage wearing a white button down, white socks and underpants.  You know, like Tom Cruise in Risky Business.  Is anyone on this show even paying attention?

I can’t believe this happened.  How could anyone do this with a straight face?  Did no one ask if all of this was maybe a little too much?  I knew this show was cheesy, but I didn’t know it had completely lost its filter.  Consider me your filter.

My score: I’ve found a new mission in life.

Pamela Anderson
Normally, Pamela Anderson dancing to a Dolly Parton song (“9 to 5”) would be the cheesiest moment on the show.  Unfortunately, Jake Pavelka happened.  He let all the air out of my balloons.  Wait.  Did I just make a boob joke?  I think I did.  Welcome back, me.

I can’t believe they didn’t find a way to get Dolly Parton to show up during Pamela’s rehearsal.  Maybe they were worried that putting the two in the same room would achieve boobie critical mass and there would be a huge boob-splosion.

My score: Boobs to the rescue.

Kate Gosselin
How does Kate get dressed in the morning?  How does she choose a meal?  She doesn’t like anything.  If I married her, I’d leave her and become a raging douchebag, too.  I can taste the misery.

And then she started to dance.

America, I’m asking you nicely.  Get rid of this woman.  Do NOT be manipulated by her.  She knows that the only way she’ll stick around it by playing the “I have to keep dancing for my kids” card.  Don’t fall for it.  I won’t be so kind next week.

My score: Consider this your warning shot, America.

Nicole Scherzinger
In the biggest surprise of the season, the producers decided that Nicole should dance to the song “Pretty Woman.”  You know, because she’s a pretty woman.  You see how they didn’t hit you over the head with it?  They trusted you to make the connection on your own.

The Mind Eraser.

The judges declared Nicole’s dance the best dance this season.  That’s the problem.  When these people actually do it right, it’s boring.  Even her super hotness couldn’t keep me interested.

My score: I used to think hotness was always interesting.

Evan Lysacek
As the resident Pop Culture consultant will tell you, I have a thing for redheads.  Evan’s partner is a redhead.  Evan was assigned the Rhumba this week and she introduced it by doing a sexy walk.  I don’t remember much after that.  It was a memory erasing sexy walk.

When she came out to dance she was wearing practically nothing.  Suddenly, hotness was interesting again.  I’m not even sure Evan was on stage with her.

My score: This still doesn’t make up for Jake.