Just Stop Watching “Fast Forward”

This is a plea to everyone who reads this that MIGHT still be watching this horrific show.

I finally “caught up” on the last episode over the weekend, and I can not begin to tell you how quickly this show has gone into freefall. I give it another 4 weeks before the announcement it’s over. And that’s being generous.

Let’s start and end with Joseph Fiennes. This guy is really a terrible actor on TV. There is NO emotion coming from him, I tend to think of him as a scene vacuum. I’m going so far as to say that Optimus Prime in Transformers 2 is a better actor. And I feel really bad for this guy. REALLY bad. He has to go home and have Easter/Christmas dinner with his older brother, Ralph. Ralph, who just got done playing Zeus in “Clash of the Titans” – and has numerous other kick-ass roles in movies throughout history has to sit down and say, “Well… I’m in…. FlashForward.” Yikes. Talk about sibling envy. That’s on par with having a brother be a Broadway star, and you’re doing gigs in a bar in Bucktown.

So, here’s the premise of the show, and I’ll bullet point what they’ve done with it:

Premise: Everyone in the world blacks out for 2 minutes and sees 2 minutes of the future – like 8 months in the future. Their own future by the way.

Plot Thus Far: And now, the US Government has to figure out why this happened. For some reason, Joseph Fiennes and some other dude create a website that lets everyone in the world write down what they saw. This is the Web 2.0 helping solve a global crisis. The team is led by some black dude who is there because someone needs to say, “You’re bucking all the rules Joseph Fiennes!” And Penny from LOST is married to Joseph Fiennes, and ends up with some other dude in 5 months. (PERSONAL PROBLEMS – OH MY!) A lesbian is having a baby (SCANDAL!), Gabrielle Union’s fiancee (Joseph Fiennes’ partner) dies sometime in the future (he didn’t have a Flash Forward – DU DU DUUUHHHH – DRAMA!) and Charlie from LOST is a bad guy of sorts (WTF?)

Oh yeah, Fiennes is an alcoholic. And he has a sponsor who is also an ex-alcoholic (I guess that’s the way it works. In “Leaving Las Vegas” Nic Cage didn’t have a sponsor, he had a hooker) who ALSO happens to have a daughter in the Army who was believe to be dead, but instead faked her death because she is being tracked by the private-army called Falliburton – or something like that – and the daughter is being hunted because “she knows something she doesn’t know she knows.”

And… Let’s see, there’s a guy with cancer who doesn’t die from it because he had a flash forward, so he knows he lives. There’s a chick who sees herself getting drowned, so she thinks she’s going to die, there’s even ones where guys are taking shits – seriously – they flash forwarded to reading the paper whilst sitting on the crapper.

So What’s the Mystery?: I have no fuckin’ clue. Seriously – I’ve watched this show from the beginning and other than “Who caused the blackout/flash forward?” There is no other mystery. They have tried to late to introduce the question “WHY?” and now, they are in a spin towards demise. The writers are now focused on the question, “How the hell can we kind of wrap this up so that the season finale can also work as a SERIES finale?”

FYI: Apparently, there’s a book by the same name from which this was adapted. I can only hope the book wasn’t nearly as boring as Fiennes, the dead agent and the baby-making Lesbian would lead me to believe.