Poor Conservatives and their Baggage

I was in my office the other day, reading any book by Salman Rushdie when I got a text from Fred the Tuckpointer. He was pleading with me to stay offline and not read any news that day. Of course I already had. Fred was hoping I would somehow miss the news of the RNC $2,000 Bondage Nightclub Scandal.

Sidenote: another advantage of being liberal? I don’t owe anything to social conservatives and could easily attend a bondage-themed nightclub. In fact I have. It was only to research for a book I was writing. But even if I did enjoy it, which I didn’t, that would be fine. I’m a liberal.

The funny thing about these sex scandals, is that they mostly happen to the party whose constituents are least able to tolerate it.

Earlier this week, Fred wrote about the “conservative gospel.” I thought I should list a few things that make for the perfect Liberal – starting with this first point about morals.

The Perfect Liberal

  • Have morals, but doesn’t go overboard. If your favorite elected official turns out not to have any, don’t worry and don’t feel bad having voted for s/he. Remember, we don’t have to define ourselves in their personality. Plus if you’re liberal, you probably already have affairs, along with your morals.
  • Never vote for the candidate that seems like just a regular person. Vote for someone smarter than conservatives, like yourself.
  • Own a Mac.
  • Recycle. Glance condescendingly at people that don’t. Though you probably live in a big city where there no conservatives to look down upon.
  • Complain about people driving too much but go on long road trips yourself.
  • If you’re liberal you probably hung out in Wicker Park way before all the yuppie conservatives moved in.
  • Humvee = Bad.
  • Hate Lincoln Park.
  • Hate rampant consumerism, but shopt at The Gap/Urban Outfitters and secretly, Starbucks.
  • Publicly hate Starbucks, prefer local coffee joint. If the word Grounds or Bean is in the title, all the better.
  • Drink all night, do yoga all day.
  • If you have a kid, you must have a B.O.B stroller

In general, the key to being a good Liberal is to simultaneously hate and love consumerism. Buy things, feel bad about it, recycle, buy again. Don’t go to church, you could end up in a militia. Also, buy an iPad.