Dancing With the Stars Week 3 – A Review

Look out, everyone.  Judges challenge tonight!  The judges want to see “story.”  Whatever the hell that means.  The true story is the brave brave bravery of Erin Andrews who continues to dance despite receiving death threats.  If you can’t dance, you’re not really living anyway.

This week’s hot gossip: Jake Pavelka reads his entire life from a script.

These are the judges.

Evan Lysacek
Evan was assigned the Quickstep this week.  Apparently, the Quickstep is just like regular ballroom dancing only exactly the same.  I think I actually saw some personality from our local gold medal winner.  He joked that he’d only listen to his Russian partner if she explained things in a thick Russian accent.  I wonder who wrote that for him?

The story?  His partner was late to the dance.  How did they demonstrate it?  She showed up late to the dance.  Clever.  I never saw it coming.  On top of all that, he heroically danced with two broken toes.

My score: Buy a watch.

Buzz Aldrin
I’d tell you that Buzz was assigned the Waltz, but I don’t know what that means.  All I know is that the combination of a Member’s Only jacket and him filming his partner with his Palm Pre was something I’ve been waiting for all my life.

They dressed up Buzz in a military uniform with medals and awards draped everywhere.  Buzz’s story was of a father coming home from war to dance with his daughter.  If we’re all lucky this very story will come true next week when America sends him back home.  Please, before I lose all respect for a beloved astronaut.

My score: America is dying.

Jake Pavelka
Wow.  Jake is the embodiment of the wussification of the American man.  He starts all of his sentences with, “I feel…” and he constantly reminds us that every interaction with a human is a “relationship.”  I bet he’s one of those sackless guys that orders the under 550 calorie meals at Applebee’s.

Jake was cast as an Indiana Jones type who has opened up Cleopatra’s tomb to find a poorly dressed and badly wigged teenage dancer.  Can you guess the song?  Yes, Walk Like An Egyptian.  He ended up trapped in a sarcophagus which was the highlight.

My score: 100cc’s of Testosterone.

Niecy Nash
Niecy continues to shine in the lead-in bits.  In a touching moment she got choked up a bit while talking about the possibility of society keeping her from being with her boyfriend.  She clearly felt for her gay dance pro.  Unfortunately, that won’t play with the old folks — this show’s major demographic.  Expect her to be gone next week.

It’s no surprise that the story was of the interracial couple that can’t be together.  It was the Waltz so it was boring as hell but she sold the hell out of it.  Is it clear that she is the only contestant I like?

My score: +1 for the gays.

Chad Ochocinco
Chad got the Paso Doble.  Based on the way they dressed him, the Paso Doble has something to do with bullfighting.  Or being a waiter.

In his story, he is trying to seduce his partner.  Isn’t that what dancing is?  I’m not sure how that’s a story.  I guess I’m not thinking inside the box enough.

My score: I’ll have the chicken burrito.

Pamela Anderson
They brought in Charo to help teach her how to speak a language that is neither English nor Spanish.  I think.  It could have had something to do with dancing.  I’m not really sure, there were boobs everywhere.

Pamela was dancing with another bullfighter or waiter.  Either way, she either didn’t like the fact that he fought bulls or worked for tips.  Again, I’m not sure that disliking someone is a story.  I’m still confused by all the boobs.

My score: I go to Hooters for the chicken wings.

Aiden Turner
Dancing With the Stars is the only show on television that blurs out puke.  This guy is the only guy that has puked from dancing without dropping E.

Aiden was painting the woman of his dreams and she suddenly came to life to dance with him.  I would have never guessed that she would pop out from behind a canvas.  I didn’t know that telling a story was as simple as using a prop.  I should have listened to Carrot Top.

My score: Why hasn’t Carrot Top been on this show?

Erin Andrews
Inspiration.  In the face of death threats, she manages to rehearse and dance anyway.  There couldn’t be any more drama with this woman off the dance floor.  Then her partner whipped out a blindfold.  Really?  Is that appropriate?  I can’t decide if that was sexy or creepy.

Sexy.  It was sexy.

My score: Getting in trouble with my wife.

Kate Gosselin
Yes!  They finally let her punch something.  It’s about time.  Let this chick rage.  She’s due.  She wasn’t showing her emotion in rehearsal so they brought in a punching bag and let her hammer it.  She still never achieved anything that was close to an emotion.

Kate found herself being chased by the evil paparazzi and she defeated him by dancing with him.  Story?  No.  Excuse for costumes?  Yes.

My score: I’m scared.

Nicole Scherzinger
Our first in-show controversy.  Somehow Nicole cheated.  She broke some confusing, unexplained rules and yet one judge still gave her a 9.  Yet another reason why this is the worst show on television.

I have no idea what her story was supposed to be.  They dressed her like a sailor.  A dude sailor.  She had a mop and she ran around a lot.  I think it was supposed to be the Quickstep but it felt more like Pre-school recess.  My best guess at the story is that she was cleaning a boat and then her sailor suit caught on fire and she ran around tying to put it out and then decided to mop.  Riveting.

My score: Poop deck.

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