Hey folks, Fred the Tuckpointer here trying to keep on a brave face. Its been over a week since B. Hussein Obama’s Healthcare Nightmare was unleashed on the country, and I’ve been barricaded at the house waiting for the end. Sadie’s been out a few times since, after she found her car keys that I hid, but she made it back every time. I guess the government is biding its time before rounding us all up. I also got a call from Richie, telling me that if I wasn’t back on the job by Monday he’d find someone else. We’ve got bills to pay, so I swallowed what was left of my American pride and headed to work.
I half expected all of the guys to be crowing about their impending communist indoctrination, given they’re all union, but a few were grumbling about how they’re gonna have to buy health insurance now. A lot of them are like me – independent contractors – and don’t see the need for it at all. When I heard all of the opposition to Obamacare, I knew it was a prime TEACHING MOMENT. And what better to teach, than Conservatism. Richie doesn’t like me playing Rush or Glenn on the radio at work, but he can’t stop me from talking. So I took the guys out for hotdogs and told them about the Gospel of Conservatism:
1. Conservatism is Always Right. When you say you’re a Conservative, you are always right about everything. Let that sink in for a minute. So whenever you you have an opinion, its not just an opinion, it is the empirical truth. And the beauty of arguments and debates is that when you are secure in Conservatism, knowing that you are right is all that you need. Everyone else is simply wrong. Case closed. Isn’t that awesome?
2. When you are a Conservative, it’s never your fault when things go bad. This is pretty cool, too. Think of it this way – you’ll never have a regret about anything. Now, this doesn’t mean that you can just ditch responsibility but the big stuff isn’t your fault. High Gas Prices? Bad Economy? 9-11? Conservatism had nothing to do with it. But you know who’s fault it really is – Liberals. Much like God has Satan, and the Browns have the Steelers, liberals are the villain and cause of every evil in the world. Hitler was a Liberal, Stalin was Liberal, that asshole at the DMV is a Liberal.
3. Liberals are Evil. Just wanted to make sure I got that point across. Liberals would wipe their ass with our beloved Constitution if they could. Rush says Liberals are worse than terrorists. The Liberals control things like the Liberal Media, the Liberal Government, the Liberal Great Lakes Commission…because they always have to cheat and keep an honest man down. If things aren’t going your way, its because of a Liberal somewhere.
4. Ronald Reagan was the best President ever. This is really important. No other Presidents come close. Well, maybe Washington, but Reagan was the greatest thing ever. Everything that is good in your life is because of Ronald Reagan. He was a no-nonsense Cowboy. God Bless him!
5. Keep the big picture in focus. Almost forgot this one – this is when you’re arguing with Liberals. Conservatives shouldn’t be shy about the Big Picture. So when we say “If we don’t invade Iraq” we don’t say “There’s a chance that Saddam Hussein will develop biological weapons and give them to terrorists”, we say “America and your family will be vaporized”. People respond better to fear. Don’t be afraid to use fear.
6. American Terms = Conservatism. Shit, almost missed this one too. Conservatives use words like Freedom, Mother, Apple Pie, Victory, Fireworks, and Beer. Liberals like words like surrender, I’m Sorry, granola, Communism, Socialism, Islam, and wine. I don’t think I have to spell out for you who’s more American.
7. The Free Market will fix everything. I haven’t read all of the Milton Freeman stuff, but it makes sense to me – let businesses do business, and it’ll all even out. Plus, hard working Conservatives like me will get rich. So turn the businesses loose, and let them do whatever they want – nothing bad will happen. It’ll trickle down to us – then WE’LL be rich.
8. Might makes Right. I’m as peace loving as the next guy, but Conservatives know its a rough world, and ya gotta pound your stick and make a lot of noise to scare everyone out of a fight. I know Teddy said to carry the stick and be quiet, but Rush is always calling for action, and he’s right. For example: Rush says we need to bomb Iran. Or let Israel attack Iran. Right on! We need to kick some serious ass to remind the world how great America is. I can’t help fight…my back’s bad…but we need need to be strong and powerful and winners. So there.
9. Trust in God, for He is Conservative. Always remember that God is a Conservative God. All of Conservatism is based on the Bible, and no one’s gonna argue with that. All those Liberal hippies bitching about human rights and the environment don’t realize that God’s going to fix it, as long as we have faith. So don’t worry about those things.
After lunch, the guys took off. They didn’t say much, but I think I made an impression. I’ll see who’s up for opening day for the Tribe – we can start to lay our groundwork then for starting a Conservative Union. I feel good about it…
Till then, Fred the Tuckpointer signing off.