Baseball’s Opening Day, a Survival Guide

A proper baseball uniform

Today is Major League Baseball’s Opening Day and if you’re anything like me, Reader, you hate baseball because it’s boring and not football.  I figured the least I could do was offer you a survival guide to help you make it through opening day and the rest of the way too long baseball season.

  • When people say “opening day” look at them quizzically and say, “Don’t you just mean Monday?”
  • If you are asked who your favorite baseball team is reply, “I don’t need an excuse for a three-hour nap.”
  • Tell people you’ll start watching baseball when players stop wearing pajamas and start wearing baseball uniforms.  (Nothing pisses off sports fans more than talking about uniforms.)
  • Remember that if you make it through opening day, you can ignore the sport until the end of September and you won’t have missed a thing.
  • In case you happen to like games that mean something, the NHL and NBA playoffs happen in early summer.
  • If you find yourself in a situation where everyone is talking about baseball and you can’t leave the room or you have forgotten your killing spoons, it’s always a good move to make a “wait ‘til next year” joke about the Cubs.


  • Don’t turn down tickets to a baseball game.  There’s nothing better than a sunny day in an oversized beer garden.  Don’t let baseball ruin that opportunity.
  • Find a room full of baseball fans, mention steroids and statistics and sit back and watch their brains explode.
  • Implement a new baseball style training regime where you run 90 feet and then stand around for ten minutes then run 90 feet and stand around for ten minutes.
  • Spend all the extra time you get back from not watching or following baseball to become an expert with killing spoons.