A proper baseball uniform
Today is Major League Baseball’s Opening Day and if you’re anything like me, Schadenfreude.net Reader, you hate baseball because it’s boring and not football. I figured the least I could do was offer you a survival guide to help you make it through opening day and the rest of the way too long baseball season.
- When people say “opening day” look at them quizzically and say, “Don’t you just mean Monday?”
- If you are asked who your favorite baseball team is reply, “I don’t need an excuse for a three-hour nap.”
- Tell people you’ll start watching baseball when players stop wearing pajamas and start wearing baseball uniforms. (Nothing pisses off sports fans more than talking about uniforms.)
- Remember that if you make it through opening day, you can ignore the sport until the end of September and you won’t have missed a thing.
- In case you happen to like games that mean something, the NHL and NBA playoffs happen in early summer.
- If you find yourself in a situation where everyone is talking about baseball and you can’t leave the room or you have forgotten your killing spoons, it’s always a good move to make a “wait ‘til next year” joke about the Cubs.
- Don’t turn down tickets to a baseball game. There’s nothing better than a sunny day in an oversized beer garden. Don’t let baseball ruin that opportunity.
- Find a room full of baseball fans, mention steroids and statistics and sit back and watch their brains explode.
- Implement a new baseball style training regime where you run 90 feet and then stand around for ten minutes then run 90 feet and stand around for ten minutes.
- Spend all the extra time you get back from not watching or following baseball to become an expert with killing spoons.