Upon seeing numerous commercials for Fruit2day, a fruit juice with fruit bits, I began to question my current relationship with fruit. Fruit2day claims that I have not actually been able to enjoy fruit with the ease and convenience I once thought I had. No, Fruit2day informed me that eating fruit is a tricky, messy and overall embarrassing endeavor. I feel like a real idiot.
Ugh! Embarrassing! That banana is a disaster! How is that lady going to get potassium? Or a husband!?! Get it together, lady.
So, in order to continue functioning as a fruit-eating human being, I visited the Fruit2day website. This is where F2d really broke it down for me.
Why hasn’t there been a way to eat a pineapple while driving to work?
Oh God. I need my weekly commute to feel tropical without resorting to the hip flask of Malibu I keep in the glove compartment.
A way a banana can feel safe in your purse.
Great. But no one can protect that banana from the emotional abuse I dole out once it is in my hands.
A way to eat a peach without being hunched over a garbage can.
That way no one will think you are really eating that half a cookie you threw out earlier.
A way to open a mango in 2 seconds.
Because at 3 seconds I lose interest.
A way an orange doesn’t leave your hands sticky or orangey.
That’s right. I was eating oranges. Yup, just some oranges, kleenex, and some dirty mags. Oranges.
A way to remove the top of a strawberry with a simple twist.
I have nothing for this one.
A way to eat grapes or cherries without spitting.
Now if I could just learn to talk without…stupid, stupid, stupid.
Well, thank you Fruit2day. I can now eat fruit (or actually drink chunky juice) without being immediately shunned from society.