Eating Fruit For Dummies

Upon seeing numerous commercials for Fruit2day, a fruit juice with fruit bits, I began to question my current relationship with fruit.  Fruit2day claims that I have not actually been able to enjoy fruit with the ease and convenience I once thought I had.  No, Fruit2day informed me that eating fruit is a tricky, messy and overall embarrassing endeavor.  I feel like a real idiot.
Ugh!  Embarrassing!  That banana is a disaster!  How is that lady going to get potassium?  Or a husband!?!  Get it together, lady.

So, in order to continue functioning as a fruit-eating human being, I visited the Fruit2day website.  This is where F2d really broke it down for me.

Why hasn’t there been a way to eat a pineapple while driving to work?
Oh God.  I need my weekly commute to feel tropical without resorting to the hip flask of Malibu I keep in the glove compartment.

A way a banana can feel safe in your purse.
Great.  But no one can protect that banana from the emotional abuse I dole out once it is in my hands.

A way to eat a peach without being hunched over a garbage can.
That way no one will think you are really eating that half a cookie you threw out earlier.

A way to open a mango in 2 seconds.
Because at 3 seconds I lose interest.

A way an orange doesn’t leave your hands sticky or orangey.
That’s right.  I was eating oranges.  Yup, just some oranges, kleenex, and some dirty mags.  Oranges.

A way to remove the top of a strawberry with a simple twist.
I have nothing for this one.

A way to eat grapes or cherries without spitting.
Now if I could just learn to talk without…stupid, stupid, stupid.

Well, thank you Fruit2day.  I can now eat fruit (or actually drink chunky juice) without being immediately shunned from society.