I’m sure that the recent raids on militia compounds in Indiana and Michigan have piqued your interest, Schadenfreude.net Reader. Thankfully, I’m from rural Indiana and I know a thing or two about militias. Consider this your guide to starting your next militia. What follows is a list of things you will need for a properly run militia. You can thank me later.
Guns, Guns, Guns
I can’t stress this enough. You need lots of guns. Ideally, you’ll have so many guns that you’ll have no choice but to start piling them in the corner (but only after you’ve already dedicated an entire building to them).
As much as you can find. You can use the other corner to pile your copious amounts of ammo. (Your desk and TV should occupy the remaining corners. If you have a five cornered room, congratulations, you work at the Pentagon, home to the largest militia on Earth.)
Everyone should be outfitted in head to toe camouflage. Require members to provide their own camouflage. I think you’ll find that most already own plenty. This will be your uniform. Distinctive hats are optional.
As many as you can find. You’ll need them to hang on your walls, fly from your porches and stitched to your uniforms. Encourage your members to get tattoos that incorporate American flags. Eagles carrying flags, bikini-clad women waving flags and tigers draped in flags are all good choices. The American flag is the best way to show that you are a true American. Throw in a Confederate Flag for good measure.
He or she should also be a fellow (fellowess?) soldier and specialize in the mullet.
You do not need a professional web designer. In fact, your militia’s site should be the first site your web designer has ever designed. His preferred color palette should consist solely of camouflage and his preferred font color should be red. Insist upon a visible “site visited” counter on the home page.
If you are just starting out and you haven’t generated income through dues or sales of “Obuma” t-shirts, a large house will do. Training can take place in nearby hunting forests. Once you’ve earned a little money you’ll want to buy land with several run-down buildings. Fix these buildings up with duct tape and chicken wire. There should be plenty of land on which to set up shooting ranges and hold training exercises.