Dancing With the Stars Premiere – A Review

My wife insists on watching Dancing With the Stars.  I can’t talk her out of it so I figured I’d stop bitching about it to her and begin bitching about it to you, Schadenfreude.net Reader.

Ocho Cinco is not eighty-five.

Chad Ochocinco
Remember how everyone expects you to be crazy and over the top because of your act on the field?  You’ve been exposed.  You’re just a regular guy who happens to spend every Sunday around a bunch of boring meatheads that pay attention to rules.  What happened to your gold teeth?

My score: Ochenta y cinco.

Shannen Doherty
How did she get on this show?  Is there any doubt she’s going to be the first person voted off?  No one likes her.  She’s known everywhere as a bitch, she’s awkward and has stage fright.  Sounds like a losing combination.  Also, you spell both of your names wrong.

My score: Your boobs are bigger than I remember.

Erin Andrews
She’s hot stuff and she can dance.  She better stick around or these reviews won’t last very long.  Am I still allowed to talk about how sexy she is after the stalker thing?

My score: Yes.

Jake Pavelka
Could this guy be any cheesier?  Seriously.  “Proposing to Vienna was the honor of my life.”  Really?  Even if that is true don’t say it.  Especially after all the cheesy shit you spouted out on The Bachelor.  Also, enough with the rose bits.  You don’t have to give your dance pro a rose and you don’t have to dance to Seal’s Kiss From A Rose.  We get it ABC, he was on another one of your shitty TV shows that makes women cream their panties.

My score: You do not get the final rose.

Niecy Nash
What?  You’re awesome.  Too bad no one knows who you are and the people that do aren’t watching this show.  Glad we got to hear that you love your curves.

My score: Reno 911.

Evan Lysaceck
Congratulations, Evan.  You found the one thing gayer than Figure Skating.  You’re going to be just fine.  You dance on ice and everyone loves you because you just won a gold medal.  See you in the finals.

My score: Ringer.

That's the smell of history rotting.

Buzz Aldrin
What the hell are you doing?  You walked on the moon.  What are you doing on the stage with this bunch of idiots?  YOU WALKED ON THE MOON.  You are a living legend.  After all of these other idiots are dead, people will still remember you.  They will talk about your missions forever.  The rest of these jerks will be forgotten.  Stop it, Buzz.  Stop.

My score: You’re ruining history.

Nicole Scherzinger
Hot.  Hot.  Super hot.  Next time we need a skimpier outfit.  Stop pretending that the dancing you did before didn’t help you here.  That’s complete BS.

My score: You’ve joined my Top 5.

Aiden Turner
Who the hell are you?  DWTS is really reaching deep here.  I don’t think you qualify as a star.  I will no longer include you in these reviews.  Also, why did they dress you like a UPS guy with a bedazzled miniature pinscher on your back?

My score: Why did this happen on TV?

Kate Gosselin
Listen, Kate Gosselin, people have to like you to vote for you.  You’re not doing yourself any favors by being yourself.  My suggestion is to try to be someone else.  Someone likable.  I want to shoot DWTS for making you dance to She’s Always a Woman.  It’s a song about a dude making excuses for the bitch that he loves.  I’m insulted.

My score: Who’s babysitting?

Pamela Anderson
Thank god they haven’t tried to class you up for the show.  I’m disappointed they didn’t let you mention your most famous film — the sex tape with Tommy Lee.  Your biggest problem is going to be the fact that your fan base doesn’t overlap with the audience of DWTS.

My score: Don’t confuse slutty with sexy.