Daley, time for you to step up to the plate.

I want my free Google hi-speed internet. Take whatever internet you have, and multiply it by a billion. Want to torrent Seasons 1-5 (yes, 5) of LOST in HD? As long as it took you to read that sentence – done. That’s what I need. Who doesn’t want that? And it’s FREE. Sure, you might have to use the Chrome browser, get a GMAIL address and be forced to use BUZZ – but those are all minor sacrifices to get something that valuable for FREE.

Am I alone in thinking this? Apparently not. In the past couple months, here’s what other Mayors have done to get the attention of Google to making this happen:

  • The Mayor of Duluth, MN skinny-dipped in a freezing cold lake. Ok, maybe not skinny-dipped, but if he had, I’m sure Google would have listened.
  • The Mayor of Sarasota, FL jumped into a shark tank. Even AFTER Free Willy killed that woman.
  • The Mayor of Milwaukee, WI spent real tax dollars by putting up a digital billboard. If they don’t get Google Internet, the billboard will be sold to the “Husky Hut” porn shop — one of the only thriving businesses in Milwaukee.
  • The Mayor of Appleton, WI didn’t get the memo about “stunts”, and just renamed a street to “Google Avenue”. Google responded by naming one of their conference rooms, “Appleton.”
  • The Mayor of Topeka, KS renames the entire CITY to “Google, Kansas”. That little stunt really fucked up their mail, and now, the 2010 Census will claim that no one lives in Topeka.
  • The Mayor of Palo Alto, FL got the gays city employees together, and did a dance video to “Y.M.C.A.”. ‘Nuff said.

And the list goes on. My question is – Daley! What the hell are you going to do for me? And it better be good. I mean stunt, awesome good. Don’t get lazy and just “rename” something. Go out there and DO something. Like, ride a Segway. Through fire. While being chased by lions. Replace all streetlights with Google ornamentation. Repaint all the cop cars to Google colors. Force all the Aldermen to have Gmail accounts. Do SOMETHING. Hell, eat those poisonous puffer fish. Go to a gay bar, and dance. Just get on that DAMN LIST!

Any other suggestions for our beloved, Honorable Richard M. Daley?

*UPDATE* – I found out there’s only 3 Days Left!! Let’s get on it Daley!!