The Five Greatest Presidents EVER

Hey folks, Fred the Tuckpointer here.  Hope everyone had a Happy New Year, and marked 2010 as the year Obama Failed.  Sorry that I haven’t checked in for awhile, but I’ve been busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest.  My new tuckpointing gig has been extended – the ol’ Terminal Tower is in rough shape, many many points that need to be tucked.

Things on the home front are going great, too.  I made up with Sadie, and she let me move back in to the house, as long as I “get my act together” and “stop drinking”, whatever that new age psychobabble feel-good nonsense means.  I think she was missing the ol’ Tuckpointer, if you know what I mean.  My dick. I meant my dick.

Been thinking…since my blog on the 5 worst presidents was so popular, why not list the 5 best?  There’s been a lot of negativity in this Tuckpointer’s life lately, but considering the recent positive turns, maybe its time to reflect on some of the great men who have lead this country.  Turns out this was a lot harder.  Its more fun to list things that piss me off, you know?

To start, I used the same method as last time: If you’ve got a ‘R’ by your name, you’re in the running.  If it’s a ‘D’, you hate freedom and have found a way to reconcile socialism communism marxism and fascism because all those things are bad.

5.  Abraham Lincoln.  He was a war president, which is always a plus. He preserved the Union and freed  the slaves, which I have a problem with. I don’t support slavery, but Lincoln should have let the Market decide when slavery was going away. It may have taken another 100 years or so, but it would have spare countless lives, and more importantly, the free market system.  The Market always makes the right call, even if that call is to get bailed out by a massive government subsidy.

4.  Herbert Hoover.  Everyone tells you that the Great Depression happened on his watch.  Point taken.  But he had the balls to do NOTHING.  No government intervention.  You hear that, B. Hussein Obama Bin Laden Hitler Pol Pot?  He was going to let the Market correct itself, but we got too antsy and now we’ll never know. He stuck to his principles, and that takes guts when people are living in carboard towns named after you.  I think the vacuum cleaner is named after him, and how many people has that helped?  Lots.

3.  Richard Nixon.   “Watergate” was liberal scam.  Nixon was on his way to winning the Vietnam War, but the commie Washingon Post decided it couldn’t let a Republican do anything good.  Which means all those guys killed afterward are on Bernstein and Woodward’s heads.  The best thing Nixon did was open up relations with Red China.  Go around your house and pick something up.  What does it say?  MADE IN CHINA.  All those cost savings you have are because of Chinese labor, and you can thank Dick Nixon for them.  How’s that IPhone sound now, hippies?

2.  George W. Bush.   My email alerts frm the Cuyahoga GOP say to never speak his name aloud, but screw that.  Unlike the cowards Clinton and Obama, ‘W’ made up for not going to Vietnam by starting a war.  From his humble beginnings as a poor cowboy roaming the range, he turned statesman, and lead the country through its darkest hour of terrorism and social security regulations.  He finished off Sadaam Hussein, the greatest evil to ever walk the earth, moments before he attacked.   Freedom exists today because of George W. Bush.

and finally, the legend himself:

1.  Ronald Reagan.  Indestructable.  Shot and lived to tell the tale.  Everything good that has ever happened to me is because of Ronald Reagan.   He single handedly beat the Soviets, the Libyans, and the Iranians.  I keep his picture on the dashboard of my F50.  When the times are bad, I sometimes ask ol’ Ronnie for a little boost to get me through, and when times are lonely, I touch myself to his picture.  When he died, you know the first thing they did, when he got to Heaven, was to elect him President there.

So that’s it.  What do you think?  I didn’t put Washington in becuase he technically didn’t belong to any party, but you all know he was a conservative because he was a Christian 🙂  Well, its off to work early then over to Cleveland Browns Stadium for the annual “Wait Till Next Year” party.  Till next time, Fred the Tuckpointer signing off.