Hey folks, Fred the Tuckpointer here. Well, I’m still on the couch since I got tasered at the Tea Party last week and thrown in the pokey for a bit. Sadie (my wife) is cheesed because we had to use the money saved up for the trip to Myrtle Beach to bail me out. She’ll forgive me – she always does – but I wish she’d get over the $1000 and understand that what I did was an act of historical defiance against the Socialist Obama Regime. Freedom isn’t free, right? At least that’s what it says on the bumper sticker on my F50.
Speaking of history, since I’ve been on the couch I’ve been watching a lot of TV. Fox keeps running the same news stories over and over, and my man Bill O hasn’t really been on his game lately, so I’ve been clicking around. And I love the History Channel. They sometimes show the show that goes over all of the Presidents, including our latest one – George W. Bush. They go over the period of history that such and such President presided over, what was going on in the world at the time, and who beat their ass in the follow up election. It was awesome. I got to thinking that I could make my own Presidential list, and what better way than rank the worst presidents ever. So buckle in – here we go:
5. Jimmy Carter. This was easy. To start, I just take all of the Presidents and separate them according to political party. If you have a “D” next to your name, you’re already on my shit list. Who doesn’t hate Carter? Its really his fault that Iran is such a pain in the ass now. Yeah, he was bitching about foreign oil way back in the 70s. But we could have drilled up Alaska then, and we’d be swimming in cheap gas. It costs me about $75 to fill up the F50 every week, and that barely gets me to my job at Wal-Mart and back home. And Carter is always building people houses for free, but when he put up some in Cleveland, they didn’t call my old boss Richie to come Tuckpoint’em. What’s that all about?
4. FDR. “Mr. Giveaway” is what I’d call him. Do you know he hid that he had polio from a lot of people? That’s deceitful – you’d never catch a Republican doing that. He also let his wife call the shots. And you know it was Eleanor that let Patton loose in WWII – FDR was too busy socializing the US. Thanks to good ol’ FDR, we’re stuck with Social Security and other crap that has never worked. A lot of people think FDR is awesome, but trust me – he was pretty bad.
3. B. Hussein Obama. Thought I was going to list him first, didn’t you? To be honest, he’s on his way to being the worst, but we can impeach him before he ruins the country if we play our cards right. Technically, according to Conservapedia, he can’t even be the President. His wife scares me – she looks like she would enjoy beating up on a man if she had the chance.
2. Hillary Clinton. I know, you’re saying “Fred, she wasn’t President.” But remember when her hubby, ol’ Bubba, said that we’d be getting two for one? “Billary” were co-presidents. She was probably behind all of the “making friends with the Russians” stuff that was going on in the 90s. Give Yeltsin some booze, boom! Peace. Nice one, Hillary. She too tried to “reform” health care, so she’s a socialist. She’s sort of scary, too. She’s a crummy Secretary of State, that’s for sure.
and the worst President of all time…
1. Bill Clinton. What more can be said? I’m glad Rush was able to keep him in check, because he had all kinds of crazy ideas. NAFTA kind of made sense to me, but my old man said it almost got him canned at Chevy, so he hates Clinton too. The whole Lewinsky thing made me go to my first protest. I covered my truck and Sadie’s car with “IMPEACH THE LIAR” stickers, and my mom told me that he even had his Transportation secretary killed! Of course, everyone says how he ran a great economy, but let me tell you – he had nothing to do with it. Reagan’s tax cuts finally took effect and worked in the 90s, so that is where the credit should go. If I wasn’t so sure Obama is the Anti-Christ, I’d swear it was Clinton.
So there you have it. What do you think? Should I have thrown the Johnsons in there? In any case, nobody will ever be as awful as Clinton. So till next time, Fred the Tuckpointer signing off.