Hey Folks, Fred the Tuckpointer here. Here’s a doozy for you to sink your teeth into. This morning I caught my neighbor Don going ballistic at his mailbox. He ripped off the plastic flag thingee and was kicking at the stand. When I got him to calm down and tell me what was wrong, he started crying and held up a crumpled envelope. Sure enough, it was from the IRS!
It makes me sick. Here’s this honest, decent hardworking man putting in his time at the scotch tape factory, and what’s his reward? Getting screwed by Uncle Sam. I lead him up to his porch we sat down on the swing. He hadn’t opened the letter up yet, but we both knew it was bad news. I decided to crack the son of a bitch open. So…it said that Don hadn’t reported a stock sale he’d completed last year (Don has stocks?), and that he owed tax on it. That figures. Man made a little scratch, but the government has to get its cut.
Let me tell you – taxes are the worst. Worse than waking up in the middle of the night with Osama Bin Laden naked in your bed, holding a knife to your throat while he takes a crap on your wife’s chest. Taxes are the reason the good old US of A decided to lay an ass kicking on the English. Remember “No taxation without representation”? Problem is, we’ve forgotten all about that and just let our “elected” officials tax the hell out of us. And you know what all your hard earned tax dollars pay for? Stupid crap like late garbage pickups, or backed up sewers, or that asshole at the DMV.
I heard this on the radio: rich people and big corporations shouldn’t pay any taxes. Then, with all of that money they save, they’ll pour into the economy with investments and more stores will open. And that means I’ll be able to quit my job at Wal-Mart and buy that tuckpointing business from my ex-boss. Who’ll be calling the shots then, Richie? I’d be a lot better at getting those sweetheart deals from the Feds to fix up the courthouse, that’s for sure.
Makes sense, right? No taxes = Fred gets to run his own business. Easy. Conservatism always works.
Now someone is bound to say “What about paying for the armed forces, or for FEMA?” And the answer is…Private Industry. They’re already doing it. Turns out there’s more contractors in Afghanistan and Iraq than soldiers, according to this. And they get boffo pay! I’d totally do it – those palaces need some touch up work after being shot to hell – but I figure I’ll let things settle down first. Not that we didn’t totally win and kick everyone’s ass. Its just not the right time, and my bad back is what kept me out of the military in the first place.Besides, there’s plenty to do here. I’m going to help Don with this tax problem the best way I can – we’re going to a tea party next week. Just like George Washington and the Founding Fathers did during the Revolution. We’ve got plenty to yell about, and it’ll make him feel better. I know I will. I’ll let you know how it goes. Till then, Fred the Tuckpointer signing off.