Where have all the real vampires gone…?

wussvampireI’m not into trends…not my style.  I don’t like it when a large group of people are into something, and suddenly there is all of this pressure to do something, or read something.  ‘Twilight’ came out of no where, for me.  I was also late on the Harry Potter craze; when everyone says “This is an awesome book series” or “More kids are reading now than ever before” I get suspicious.   When I get suspicious, I have to get to the bottom of things.  And I’ve decided to get to the bottom of ‘Twilight’ – to see what makes it tick.

So Twilight is about teenage Vampires.   Vampires are an American tradition – like Frankenstein, the Werewolf-Man, the Creature from the Black Lagoon, and King Kong.   While Dracula  and the other monsters were always out to make off with the leading lady, you knew that they would get burned and shot up in the end.  Evil was punished.  I have to admit Dracula was my favorite – remember when he said “I don’t drink…wine”?  That’s cause he was a real man’s vampire.  The cape was boss.  I even dressed up like him a couple of years for trick or treat .

If there is one thing you can count on is for some liberal to screw it all up.  In the 80’s that Anne Rice broad did a number on vampires with all of her books like “Interview with the Vampire” and “Lestat the Vampire”.  All those vampires did was complain, be boring and sometimes kill each other.   Never once did a human get to blow  them away with some silver bullets or go for the good ol’ stake in the heart.  The moral of those stupid stories was “Be a vampire, and live forever being a boring evil bastard”.   When Tom Cruise did the movie version it was all I could stand; I changed to King Kong as my favorite monster.  I even wrote a letter to the Plain Dealer telling them that someone should make a law stopping writers like Anne Rice from ruining the movie monsters.  Those pinkos never printed it, though.

This year my younger cousins started squealing about some vampire named Edward.  I did a google on “Edward Vampire”  and got the picture above.    What a wuss!  He even looks like Tom Cruise.    I decided to be a strong parent figure (not like their mom Chrissy) and make sure that the Anne Rice’s of the world weren’t trying to get their perversions into the heads of our children.

To start, I decided to do a  Conservapedia search, where real Americans can learn things on ‘Twilight’ and this is what came back:

Twilight is a vampire novel by Mormon author Stephenie Meyer. It is the first of four books in the Twilight series.

The story’s protagonist is Isabella Swan (or Bella, as she prefers), a 17 year old girl who falls in love with Edward Cullen, a strange boy she meets in high school. She soon learns that Edward and his family are in fact vampires. The saga revolves around Bella and Edward’s relationship and the many obstacles set in the way of their true love.

Even though some of the many characters are vampires, the book and series are about the importance of true love and waiting until marriage

Wow.  Edward may look like a punk in eyeliner, but I could go along with the story.  I hit the 2 dollar show and saw the movie and it wasn’t bad.  They broke a lot of vampire rules like letting the vampires run around during the day and didn’t do anything cool like turn into a bat, but Edward did punch a car.   The more i thought it all over, I began to accept that this could be the new American Vampire.  Maybe they’re skinny and whiny, but they weren’t into getting your daughter pregnant or sucking her blood.   I called Chrissy up and told her the kids were safe to read and watch Edward, and that she was welcome.  Mission accomplished.

Or so I thought.  I wish that were the end of the story, but some pervert sent me an email with this link (which the web guy says I should label NSFW, whatever that means):

Twilight Inspired Sparkle Sex Toy Heralds The Coming Apocalypse

Great.  Just great.  Everytime this country looks like its back on the right track, someone comes along to mess it all up again.  But that’s ok.  I’m gonna fight this.  They took Edward away from families, and to me that means its time to bring the REAL Dracula back – and that’s Bela Lugosi.  Who’s with me?  I’m going to write up the story of how he rises from the dead again.  Keep your eyes peeled – this is one American Tradition that will stay alive…or undead.  Yeah…

For now, Fred the Tuckpointer signing off.