Why I can’t be a golfer…

tiger-woodsOver the last weekend, I watched a cumulative 36 hours of golf. I kinda like it, the strategy, the tension, the awesome fist pumps when a guy hits a BALL with a stick. Yeah, the irony isn’t lost on me… But, there are also awesome moments of… well, schadenfreude. Like when a golfer completely self-destructs as loses about $700,000 in the span of 4 minutes (see: Padraig Harrington on the 8th hole of Hazeltine. Yikes.)

However, after watching golf for so long – I realized, once and for all, that I AM NOT the target demographic.

I saw commercials for:

  • Retirement funds – oh, older people, got it. Makes sense.
  • Cialis – I think Cialis OWNS golf, not a single Viagra commercial in the bunch – and I still wonder WTF is up with the two bathtubs in the middle of nowhere?? Kate talked about this at the beginning of the year, but I guess it still works for old guys who can’t get it up, and is not embarrassed by walking naked to an old-tyme bathtub in the middle of desert on a plateau…
  • Oldsmobile – not a SINGLE commercial advertising the “Cash for Clunkers” program – so golfers are rich, keeping up the stereotype
  • Community outreach – Golf First, or Tees ‘R’ Us or something like that – so old, rich people like to give back to the community in a ‘hands-off’ sorta way…
  • More golf – they say there are only 4 Majors, however, there are a shitload of tournaments for these guys to make money
  • Tiger Woods – the man, the brand, I think he is part King Midas there. Even when he loses, people talk about how awesome he is. They didn’t say that about Rex Grossman last year…
  • BeneFiber – Again, old people have bowel problems. Moreso than young folk. I get it. I think Price Waterhouse Cooper was co-sponsoring the ads.
  • Tiger Woods – If you are one of the first 50 callers, you will get a lock of his hair AND a vial of sweat wrenched from the bill of the cap he wore when losing to a South Korean. Apparently, people really do love this guy.

So, I realized, after watching all of this, that I am not about to retire, nor near retirement. I do not like taking a bath at sunset in the middle of nowhere, don’t want an Oldsmobile, am too busy working to make ends meet to pay someone to teach kids how to golf, am annoyed intensely by the “FedEx Cup” commercials – so much so, that I almost miss the long-haired hippie dude who draws on the whiteboard (almost), think Tiger is cool, but seriously? Have regular “evacuations” so there’s no need to add any more fiber to my diet, and still, Tiger, seriously?

However, I own 2 “golf” shirts – and they are the comfiest shirts I own. That’s right, the comfiest. So there’s that.