You’re all awful (the standup set that I really wanted to do)

open_micHello talent-cognizance-deficient standup comedians who came out tonight to one of the many open mic’s reserved for Hollywood’s truly delusional comedians.

After six entertaining months of attending these shows and reacting with what a stupid person like yourself reads as genuine laughter generated by your nonexistent material/delivery, I’ve come to one conclusion: You’re all awful.

Had my name been picked early tonight you would’ve been treated to the best that I can write. It wouldn’t be great but would at least exhibit some minuscule understanding of what the goal of entertaining a stranger might encompass, a goal that nobody else in the room appears to have ever thought of or even come across examples of in your lives. I would have presented material that might not get a laugh, but who’s premise might someday bear fruit. Instead, for two hours you all talked about faggots, delivered stories from your life which those of us who have friends would’ve already told to them, and worked a Forrest Gump impersonation into your act. And later, even a Christopher Walken.

I’ve been to 100 improv shows and never once felt “that guy brought a gun and he’s going to shoot up the crowd.” I’ve felt that once at every open mic I’ve been to in Hollywood. Prior to this journey into the sad comedy scene in L.A. I never considered the link between mental instability and the desire to be Ray Romano. It now has become so apparent that is has me considering a Master’s Degree in Psychology and Sad Clowns.

I’ve taught comedy writing at The Second City, and nobody went through my class that I thought was hopeless, in fact I was impressed at how much desire my students had to analyze deficiencies with self-reflexive candor. To learn and overcome problems and turn the most outlandish thought into a solid and even deep premise. You people have none of that. You’re not even funny accidentally. No matter how nice it’s in my nature to be, no matter how hard I try to see the bright side of life and your act, it’s undeniable: You’re awful.

I’m getting the light. That’s my time.