You Twitter, you brought her.

bird-shit-in-hair I’ve always considered myself ahead of the curve when it comes to technology. We had an Atari 2600 and a Betamax when I was growing up. My first laptop had a ‘c’ after the product code to indicate that the monitor was color. More recently, I have proudly used ‘google’ as a verb and have tried to settle petty arguments through the comments I leave on various film blogs. So, you know, I GET IT.

However, there is one area where I have not been on the cutting edge and that is Twitter. This didn’t really bother me until I was asked to start contributing to this site. Since Schad recently started a Twitter account, I wasn’t sure if it was something I’d have to know about. So I clicked on over to Twitter HQ to try and wrap my head around this innovative new service… After the jump, part one of my handy guide to not having a Twitter account yet.

If you are like me, you’re insecure about being a late-comer to Twitter and so you imagine it to be a fairly ridiculous enterprise. And you’d be right.

The sign-up page features three testimonial quotes that are as follows:

“Twitter is the first thing on the web that I’ve been excited about in ages.” – Jason Kottke, Blogger (thanks blogger!)

“Twitter is the telegraph system of Web 2.0.” – Nicholas Carr, Author and Technologist (I feel like this is not exactly an endorsement)

“It’s almost like ESP” – Wired (almost…)

Wow, where do I sign up? Oh, on this page… but can’t I sample the goods first? Turns out you can! Just click on the ‘search’ link.

Hmmm, I read somewhere in a dead media platform that Ashton Kutcher uses Twitter alot. I’ll just search his name! For a fair sampling, here’s every third entry from the search results page:

lloydfassett: @aplusk, Ashton Kutcher, with 1m+ followers sent an Amber Alert 44 minutes ago (cool!), 3 yr old S CA blond boy

justajew: @aplusk WHAT’S UP ASHTON KUTCHER? i loved you in that 70s show

Gfu1126: finally understands that RT=retweet. thanks ashton kutcher for enlightening me.

cjohnsongt: I’m getting close to blocking the Ashton Kutcher posts…We don’t need updates every 5 minutes Kelso

CitizensideFR: Katherine Heigl et Ashton Kutcher au tournage de “5 killers”: Katherine Heigl déjeune avec des amis et sa mère à..

The dead media platform was right! That 70’s Show star Ashton Kutcher IS a big Twitter user I guess. But the big discovery here are the links to the Twitter users themselves! Just click on @aplusk and you’ll get a taste of what it’s like to follow the real Ashton Kutcher. For instance, what did he ‘retweet’ to justajew’s question? Hmmm, don’t see a response yet… maybe he’s taken cjohnsongt’s comments to heart. So meta.
I know what you’re saying. You’re saying “But I’m not a huge Ashton Kutcher fan.” Don’t worry, there’s more than ten-thousand people tweeting (including Fred Durst).

In part two of my journey, I will still not have a Twitter account but I’ll figure out a workaround with my RSS feed reader so I can sort of fake follow people. I’ll also make fun of more entries but I’ll have to update the ones I cut and pasted from the site because LeVar Burton shouting out his own Family Guy guest spot feels dated now.