Parlay *or* How I Lost My Cool in a Dinghy

 Cutthroat IslandI love Pirate movies. From Johnny Depp in the POC franchise to Master and Commander to – yes I said it – Geena Davis in Cutthroat Island. I’m not saying it was a great movie or even good. Or believable. I’m not saying it wasn’t terrible, but it had water, and pirates and swashbuckling. So I liked it.

In pirate movies, pirates are yes evil, but also imbued with a sense of purpose and honor. Even Captain Barbossa observes the pirates code when Keira Knightly proclaims “Parlay.” She’s really hot by the way. 

But real pirates are ruining my love of pirates. The pirates I love so much swing from ropes (a key component of swashbuckling). They conduct sword combat, fight for women, have monkeys and live at sea for months. They are tan, have great one-liners and inspire Halloween costumes. Real pirates apparently cruise around in gas-powered dinghys. They will board your boat, but if you stab one in the hand, he will request medical treatment. They will kidnap your captain, then float aimlessly without gas or wind sail, and accept your offer for a tow. They will not figure out that in the middle of the night you will shorten the tow ever so slowly, bringing them closer to you. Real pirates apparently do not swashbuckle, and their main goal is to get back to land. You know, land. Because when I think pirate, I think land. 

I’m waiting on Cutthroat Island from Netflix. When we get it, I’m going to watch the crap out of that movie. More exciting than the real thing. Real pirates would be well-advised to start behaving more like movie pirates. At the very least, ditch the dingy.