Dear IOC,

Chicago 2016 O'HareHey gang! Glad you could make it today! They say Thursday is the beginning of the weekend – and Chicago does NOT disappoint!

I’m not sure who met you at the airport, but I sure hope it was O’Hare. Although Chicago has 2 airports, many believe that is 1 too few, and if all goes according to plan, there’s one in Michigan and one in Indiana that we’ll just co-op. The one in Indiana flies Hooters Air, so we’ll be ale to get all the athletes from Florida into the city without a hitch!

Moo and OinkI also hope that someone showed you around to the various neighborhoods. At least the ones north of Madison Street. I know, there’s a South Loop, and some stuff going on down there – but mostly that’s for people who get lost or looking for Moo & Oink – but not for real tourists!

BlagoAlso today, we were trying to keep it a secret, but our ex-Governor, Rod Blagovich Blogouvich Blago, was just indicted on 16 felony charges. WOW! How’s that for excitement. We had a deal with the Tribune to keep it quiet, but the bankrupt Sun-Times effed it all up by putting “EX-GOVERNOR TO ROT IN PRISON” in big white letters on a black background on their front page. Oh well – we’d like to think of it as Illinois “doing the right thing” by exposing this sort of nonsense, and getting the right people in office before the Olympics get here (nudge nudge wink wink).

stpatricksdayparade2016finalDid you notice the signs yet? How about the fresh plants and flowers? We even carried a sign through fresh plants and flowers during our famous St. Patrick’s Irish Day Parade of Drunken Festivities. What? You don’t like glorifying alcohol? Ok, we’ll cancel the parade. But we still showed our Olympic Pride! We’d like to think we are doing our part in keeping Chicago beautiful and stimulating the economy by planting flowers that are going to die in two weeks because winter is lasting into May, and printing a bunch of signs that just might become irrelevant by May as well. Oh well – we know how to throw a party! Even if it is just for you!

cutler_insideBut – I think the BIGGEST news is that GM Jerry Angelo made a move that at least INSPIRES citizens of this fine city to believe again – not only signing a Pro-Bowler Offensive Tackle, Orlando Pace BUT ALSO signing a young QB by the name of Jay Cutler. This is the kind of move that everyone in Chicago stops what they’re doing, looks up and before any excitement, says, “What?” It’s unorthodox, it’s risky (especially because everyone knows we don’t really have any awesome offensive weapons), but it’s a sign that somebody actually cares whether or not the Bears become a winning team. Ah – you gotta love it. Besides – the Bears knew that no one was going to drop a PENNY on a Kyle Orton jersey – but Jay Cutler… There are gonna be sales through the roof!!! Yay Capitalism!

And that’s how I’d like to end today. I’d like to end it on the note that if you bring the Olympics here, you’ll have fancy stadiums, you’ll have transportation, you’ll have enough hotels, restaurants, rented condos downtown for people to stay in – but most importantly – we will provide the HIGHEST PER CAPITA of useless swag than any other candidate city. Who else is gonna say that? Buenos Aires? Fuck ’em.

Goodnight IOC.