Never have the guy who’s seen every movie pick the movie

Had a funny movie experience this weekend. I got invited to a Director’s Guild screening on Valkyrie, which I really wanted to see. The only problem is, once the doors close on the theatre at the Director’s Guild, whether the projector has started or not, you’re not allowed in. So I cost my friend Paul one screening of Valkyrie, but, having mustered up the energy to go see a movie, we decided to find something else. The only problem is that Paul has seen everything in theatres except Transporter 3, Punisher: War Zone and The Reader, based on the free Chicago newspaper (“It’s not” – to be read in Ron Howard’s voice). No matter how many letters I sent, Transporter 3 and Punisher: War Zone were not nominated for Golden Globes, so even though I’ve seen nothing out right now from Quantum of Solace to Frost/Nixon, I found myself with BLK and Paul, watching The Reader. The Reader is “that movie” – you know the really really boring serious paint-by-numbers Oscar-Bait movie. Here’s the synopis – “Despite having caused the holocaust, she taught herself to read.” It was indiscernable from a Christopher Guest film making fun of the concept.

Now I only tell you all this because there was one great moment. During boring movies I’m much more apt to take a call when I get one, so I walked out to the lobby to take a call and found myself right in front of Punisher: War Zone, faced with the prospect of watching Kate Winslet stare pensively at a wall for several minutes or more flashes of some kids cock (why is the cock a requirement for Oscar bait?), I decided to pop into Punisher for a moments perspective. Here’s what I saw: A bunch of punk kids are wilding in an alley, they’re hooping and hollaring in the midst of a nights crime, jumping acrobatically from rooftop to rooftop, and then in mid jump, something comes into frame emitting smoke and one of the punks explodes into nothing but jelly that falls to the alley below having been hit by an RPG. I’m not sure if it was hilarious in general, or much more so having been book ended by Ralph Fiennes reading into a microphone for 20 minutes, but that really made me laugh. Bottom line: If presented with the choice, go Punisher.

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