With a double shot of free.

Thanks to Connor for this story — a Chicago cop was just suspended and ordered into counseling for demanding free coffee from area Starbucks locations over a few years time. She’d go in, order, yell at the employees to give her free coffee, then if they didn’t she’d flip out and brandish her badge and gun. I think this cop saw some early Schad shows and got the wrong idea! For those of you who only know us through the radio show or Stephe’s iPhone escapades, here’s a primer: we used to end our stage shows about 10 years ago with an everyman customer (Justin) flipping out at a pretentious annoying Starbucks employee (me) and ripping my heart out (not really! ha ha!!) at the end. It was a rallying call to action (we even had “Starbucks Strike Force membership cards) but hey: we didn’t think the cops would really take it seriously! One time the fake blood accidentally sprayed over a few members of the audience including the critic from the Chicago Sun-Times, which garnered a great review save the fake blood incident, knocking us down to Somewhat Recommended. Because of the Starbucks bit in the show where all Justin wanted was a “small coffee,” I’ve committed to a life bit of never, ever using the Starbucks terminology like venti or double tall. I just order “Large coffee.” Over the years, reactions from “baristas” have progressed as a parallel function of society’s overall exasperation with pretentious coffee shops: from “Just say Venti, dude” to “Oh, you mean Venti?” to “Okay, sure” to “Can I get a large coffee back there?” The only way to be president of the Adams College Greek Council is to win the carnival games — and that’s exactly what we’re gonna do, Gilbert.

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