I think someone forgot to tell the K-Mart in Valpo that they went out of business. Those poor teenage cashiers are probably waiting for their checks. Or something like that. We made a quick trip to the old timey store last weekend while visiting the family and I have a couple of random observations about the one-time mega department store. More after the jump.
Granted it was Saturday night, but there were seriously 6 cars in the lot and I would guess that 4 were employees. I wanted to park in the handicapped spot just to get ahead. You know, let everyone know that even though there were plenty of spots, I still am the closest.
They were playing some really bad shit on the muzak. My favorite was the full version of the Malcolm in the Middle theme song. “Yes, No, Maybe so, can you repeeaaat the question!!!! YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME NOW….” and then it gets really bass-ey and soft rock. 2 minutes of mid-tempo verse, then back to “YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME NOW!!!!” Then it went into some Howard Jones knock-off tune…
Man, Valpo loves the jean shorts. Lots of jean shorts for sale.
Everything was cut rate. Everything was on sale, tons and tons of half-offs. The only thing not on sale was the NFL gear. The Bears shirt was $34. I could get 5 pairs of jean shorts and coors light pajamas for that dough!
Viseo is a big brand of TV at K-Mart. They had quite the selection of blurry HD flatscreen TVs. Why is that? Why is every big TV in the K-Mart blurry? Yeah, I understand that you gotta have digital channels to show off the digital TVs but they obviously don’t so every TV looks terrible. And the home theater system was crackly. Man, get it together Kevin in Electronics.
This K-Mart still had the ole layaway window. Who still uses Layaway? I was tempted….with my jean shorts.
They had a big display at the front of the store for “Meet the Browns” and “Tyler Perry’s Diary of a Grandma”. Um, are there any black people in Valpo? Or do white trashy types like Tyler Perry too?
They sell eggs at K-Mart in Valpo. And I guess the mayor of Valpo sings Xmas tunes on his guitar in the foyer around the holidays. I’ll bet the cashiers love that. Someone tell Valpo they need a Potbellies for that kind of schtick.
In the end, I guess it was a good time. I mean, wouldn’t you rather roll at a Valpo K-Mart on a Saturday night over say, Rush Street? I would.
Formed in 1997, Schad began performing sketch comedy on Chicago’s north side. The troupe has since performed at countless venues around the world including The Goodman Theatre, The Second City, Steppenwolf, Lollapalooza, ImprovOlympic, the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre (LA), HERE (NYC) and the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
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All content © 2010 by Schadenfreude.
Coors Light pajamas.
That sounds a lot like the Big Lots in Munhall PA we were at on Saturday. Burlington Coat Factory had “24″ pajamas. What? As a Venture alumnus, I’ve been that lonely employee on a Saturday night.
Meet the Perrys is my husband’s favorite new show. He was brainwashed by all the commercials during the NBA playoffs. For being positive family fare, there is a LOT of upside-the-head smacking.
I worked at K-Mart for 6 years through high school and college. I have photos of me driving a tow motor and also participating in a low class fashion show – as the model. I’ll see if I can find some pics. Its awful.
K-Mart is the only huge shopping place I remember being in before I was ten. I remember being absolutely mesmerized by the blue light (like in a cop car ma!) mounted high-up at the front of the store to announce the blue-light special. My K-Mart was right next to the rollerskating rink so we would always go after a rollerskating party and have ICEEs.
Once, my friend David Stepp drank his ICEE too fast, got brain-freeze and passed out next to an end display of flashlights OFF insect spray and coolers (ok). I was scared for my friend, sure, but also was deathly afraid that they would suddenly announce a blue light special of these very items.
I can still hear the Latin version of the theme from “Gone With the Wind” that played in the K-Mart in Palatine.
And the cafeteria in the back.