Random Observations: Mi Familia

Here are some random observations from spending the 4th of July with long, lost relatives.  Actually, 3 relatives – my uncles. I won’t name them because I really don’t want to deal with a Google search and a phone call saying that I am going to hell and/or do I want to buy a gold chain. I like my family (I guess), but this is extended family and you’d be surprised at how much you learn about them from one or two questions over Bocce ball. Here are my character studies. After the jump…

Uncle #1 – I was making fun of how all mosquito repellent now says on the front “helps protect you from mosquitos that may carry West Nile Virus”. They are making money off of our fear. And I was making fun of this and Uncle #1 says “That ain’t nothin to sneeze at. I got it once”. Um, you got West Nile? It turns out.. he did. He lives in Arizona and something about dead birds and mosquito fish landed him in a hospital for 3 weeks. I asked him what it was like and he told me it was like having the flu all over.  Then he argued with Uncle #2 about who threw last and told my Dad that he was sad he wouldn’t see him in heaven (since he is now born-again christian). And he prospects for gold on the side. No shit.

Uncle #2 – He is in cowboy shows down by Tampa. No shit, he told me his entire act. I’m not exaggerating. He told me his entire act. Joke by joke, bit by bit. “Hey Lefty, why you down?” (he’s lefty).  “Well Jumpy, my in-laws are bothering me.” “Well, you know what they say, in-laws are as bad as outlaws.” That might not be accurate, but it was hard to concentrate when I was dumbfounded that he was telling me his entire act in the kitchen. Then we played charades and he did a cowboy movie. Then a few minutes later, did the same cowboy movie.  And for some reason, he doesn’t get paid for the cowboy show. And he works/loves Wal-Mart.  And he used to run a gold chain store.

Uncle #3 – This is Key West uncle. He’s the most sane of the bunch, but he has a beachfront condo in Florida that got wiped out by the hurricane. He can’t find anyone to fix it so he is just living in it, even though he hasn’t got clearance from government. He also pushed my Mom out of the way in some game and started to dribble his beer while playing Bocce. He and his 40 year old lady (he’s probably 67) passed out for the afternoon. I like this uncle the best. But I almost punched him in the neck. He is super competitive, which means he cheats at everything.  He’s the scheister. I believe he used to sell gold chains. Now he works in dolphin/aquatic art.

I hope to write a sitcom someday based on these guys. They are lifelong family, but I’m sure Carla’s husband from Cheers was somebody’s family member too…