Andromeda Strain Remake Sux.

That’s my review. I was really excited for this – I loved the original, and how “1970s future-tech” it was. Heck – a fax machine caused one of the breakdowns in communication – and fax machines were considered Department of Defense super-secret technology. I spent 4 hours of my life watching this remake, and it brought to light the desire of everyone to remake everything and add a “the government is out to get us” kinda spin to it. I mean really. Did the concept of “wormholes” and “deep ocean vent mining” and “ecological disaster sent through time and space” need to be there? The original was great because the disaster was “terra incognita” – it came from space, and no one knew why, we only knew we had to stop it, and some old woman with epilepsy almost blew it. This time around, the movie ends with a paradox of the bacteria being placed in space by the government that is shot through a wormhole to the past and some random cage number that just really is lame.

I know, that last sentence didn’t make any sense whatsoever – but neither does this movie. If you happen to be flipping through channels and see Benjamin Bratt doing his best “staring at a test tube, talking to himself” – keep flipping. In fact, just to show A&E that they can’t do anything they want, skip A&E for the next 10 days. That’ll teach ’em.

The ONLY good thing was the surprise shot of some Christa Miller boob. Sure, they were covered in foam as they go through a human car wash kinda conveyor belt, but it was, sadly, the only highlight. (I’m a huge Christa Miller fan just recently from her work on Scrubs. Always wanted to see the boob, now I got it.) Oh yeah – one other thing. Ricky Schroeder is in this as well, he plays a (I think) gay army man who has to defuse the nuclear bomb… I have now learned that everything Ricky knows about acting, he has spent. His character was the same as the one in the last season of 24. No shit. Same scowl, same speech patterns. He phoned this one in. Good news? He dies and Jin from Lost has to cut off his thumb.

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