By day, I’m a fast-talking, merchandising, get-things-done kinda guy. I immerse myself in the 90 minute meetings where everything is boiled down to an “action item” and I’m always asked to “prioritize” something. The problem is, every time I try to just “say” what it is I’m doing, I get weird looks from people as though I’m speaking Swahili. For example, in a meeting today I said,
So I’m going to put together a list of the Top 10 selling items, and then make sure that the right products are listed for the cross-sell opportunities, which would lead to a life in store revenue.
A couple of strange looks from around the table. I cleared my throat and said instead,
I’m optimizing the cross- and up-sell inventories for our high-margin, top-profit items. This should increase the AOV over the next Quarter.
Everyone nodded approval. I said the same thing, twice. We all know what we’re doing, why do we have to use the big words? Does it make you feel smarter? I assign this kind of corporate big-word using to Accenture. The kings of all kings of contracting. For example, in response to a question:
Sorry for the delay in responding as we are sorting through this situation by evaluating two agencies currently on our roster. Our intent is to provide clarity of roles to support the requirements that the teams are leading. To that end they are developing a review of roles & responsibilities for each of our partners to maximize synergy and avoid duplication.
Um. Ok. You could have just said,
We aren’t 100% sure who’s gonna be responsible for what, but as soon as we do, we’ll let you know. We don’t feel like paying for the same thing twice.
Same message, fewer words, efficient. That’s what I’m all about. Efficiency.
Formed in 1997, Schad began performing sketch comedy on Chicago’s north side. The troupe has since performed at countless venues around the world including The Goodman Theatre, The Second City, Steppenwolf, Lollapalooza, ImprovOlympic, the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre (LA), HERE (NYC) and the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
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All content © 2010 by Schadenfreude.
Stephe, you made my day with this douche. I had a meeting (which I hate holding, btw) completely bogarted by the same douche. Always on the phone, making the work happen, yet mysteriously never producing. At least Voorhies actually is selling something.
Here’s the runner up Douche – guy who got canned a couple of weeks ago for being lazy and barely showing up – GOT 8 MONTHS SEVERANCE PAY.
Reason #2 for American Economy problems right there. #1 is people living outside of their means.
Arrgh! Severance. WTF! If you piss people off, they PAY to get rid of you. You work your ass off and try to get along with people – well, you just get it in the ass.
Great call dude. Nothing like meetings that don’t need to take place. My ideal job would be Vice President of Meetings, how fun it’d be to invent reasons people should meet with no weight or consequence whatsoever. I wish we could ask for severance pay when we’re slammed by the Sun-Times.
We could try suing the Sun-Times – or whoever gives us our next review… “Their poor reporting led to a decrease in ticket sales, loss of revenue, forcing us to close the show early. And they sent a douche reviewer. We are seeking damages of $98M.”
Worth a shot – what are they going to do? Tell us no?