Checkout lines at Trader Joe’s take forever not because it’s too crowded or because it’s a Sunday or because they’re understaffed, but because customers don’t realize that the Trader Joe’s corporation can offer $2 gourmet chicken by cutting down the bagging staff. People in long lines often look back, smirk, and say something like “Long line, huh? Guess someone called in sick.” Nope. Next time you’re at Trader Joe’s, watch and see how many people stare into space as cashiers ring their items and place them in a big pile. Then watch these guys stare as cashiers bag their big piles of food. Do the math, and you’ll soon realize that if everyone bagged their own food, we’d all get out of there twice as fast. And don’t worry, it’s completely safe. Placing frozen spinach and chocolate covered blueberries into a paper sack won’t cause cancer. Try it, and if I’m wrong, I’ll reimburse you for your own staff time. And if you already bag your own food, way to go! Poke me on Facebook so I can plant a bell pepper in your Earth Day Garden.
Formed in 1997, Schad began performing sketch comedy on Chicago’s north side. The troupe has since performed at countless venues around the world including The Goodman Theatre, The Second City, Steppenwolf, Lollapalooza, ImprovOlympic, the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre (LA), HERE (NYC) and the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
Subscribe to entries
Subscribe to comments
All content © 2010 by Schadenfreude.
You’re going to the wrong Trader Joes, I go to the one next to the Gay Ramada Inn in West Hollywood. Maybe it’s the Gay, maybe it’s the West Hollywood…damn, my punchline was super offensive…I can’t help what “bag” rhymes with.
For those who weren’t in the car at the time, one of Schadenfreude’s first showcases was at a Second City Space next to the Zanies in West Hollywood, having no cars, we found a hotel that was close, a Ramada Inn, it was later discovered that the Ramada Inn’s web address was something like http://www.gayhotel.com. That was the night we gave John Popper a bag of shit and a chick friend who had relocated to L.A. took a poo and made the gay toilet overflow. One of the less hot things a chick can do.
I love bagging my own groceries at TJ’s… it’s like playing Tetris!
Try bagging your own groceries at a major grocery chain – it totally freaks them out. I suppose it’s because you are taking away a union job. ButI always bag my own stuff for the sake of time and because we bring our own reuseable bag that I like to pack with all the heavy stuff first. And no matter how many times I do this it always catches the bag boy by surprise to see someone not in an apron standing there on that little rubber pad deftly placing the 6 pack of soda on top of the bread.
“But I want my earthy-consciousness *and* to be treated like an entitled upper-middle class citizen, dammit!!”
I bag my own groceries at Dominick’s. I’m very good at it too.
Don’t use coupons though. I should.
That is exactly the problem with Trader Joe’s. Everyone there seems to have such an elitist aire about them… they all seem to be walking around so smug about the fact that they shop at Trader Joes’s – like they know this big secret that there is this really cool grocery store where you can get the coolest frozen quiches. Meanwhile EVERYONE shops at Trader Joe’s. It’s not a secret. Get over yourselves. I am standing right next to you, the cat is out of the bag asshole.
Not too mention their selection sucks! Try buying a box of King Dongs at Trader Joe’s. I dare you.
It’s owned by Aldi.
I don’t shop at TJ but I have been known to bag my own at the Jewel when there’s no bagger in my lane.
I love TJ’s and yes the secret is OUT and yes there’s way too much pretension there. Everyone needs to tell everyone to start bagging their own groceries. We really don’t need baggers in this world, sorry to cut jobs but give those guys microphones and have them host town forums to solve some of these bigger problems.
By the by Phil, that dichotomy is the call of the day.
Seriously though, a pretentious grocery store is kind of groundbreaking. Kroger, Piggly Wiggly, Jewel, can anyone name a pretentious grocery store chain? I think they’re the first. I’m all for originality.
Treasure Island and Fox & Obel are both more pretentious than Trader Joe’s.
I stopped shopping at TJ’s after realizing that a lot of their frozen foods taste like ass.
What about Whole Foods? I’ve never had so many groccery clerks complimenting me on my “healthy choices”. Dude, they’re still potato chips.
I think Diebergs in St. Louis is pretty bad, too. What’s with all of the tv monitors? They’re so plugged in…I just want to buy some BooBerry and milk.
What ever happened to the old school bread stores in small-town Kansas? The Wonder Bread stores?
isn’t there still a wonder bread store down off of Lincoln south of the Athenaeum somewhere?
Yeah, and after they’re done bagging their own groceries I’m sure they’re going to walk their cart back to the cart corral so I don’t have to move it when I pull my car out. Lazy turds.
And do not, I repeat DO NOT buy the Trader Joe’s vanilla gelato. That is, unless you like your ice cream to taste like it came directly from a giant can of lard frosting from Costco.
Here’s the thing about groceries…
I got two young boys, 4 and 6, in my family. I need bread. I need milk. I need oreos.
I don’t need lime-grilled chicken breast tenders. I don’t need Tuscan Four-cheese chips.
Dominicks offers me everything I need as well as an aisle wide enough that my boys can play hide-and-seek while I shop.
Sure, sure — plus Trader Joe’s is not, contrary to popular belief, kid friendly. If I had kids, they’d be rolling in those shopping cart cars. I wish I could be a kid at Dominick’s!
Adam took me to a TJ’s in LA and it was the only one I’ve seen that looks nice. Plus, it had a burrito I can’t find at any other outlet. All the TJ’s here feel like a CompUSA went out of business and someone came in to restock the shelves with trail mix and fake soda (FAKE!).
CompUSA. Call. Trader Joe’s has cornered the market on making people feel like they live in Georgetown in 1979 and are buying cheese to cut on their wood cheese blocks. It’s like a different world. The Chicago one we go to all the time is next to a CB-2, which in its own right offers way too much magenta and orange.
Sandy, we used to go to that one all the time.
CompUSA went out of business in Missouri and the geeks stripped them to the walls. I was in the one near where I work in Sunset Hills and we were fighting over wireless mice. Awesome.
Love it. Whatever with CompUSA. I like their huge selection, but not the fact that you basically have to get buzzed into the store. It’s like they have some jewelers in the back or something. CompUSA has some other side business going on inside, I just haven’t figured out what it is yet. Oh yeah, now I remember, it’s selling $20 monitors on display inside some cage.