Douche of the Day: New vending machines

Aquafina has this new vending machine, I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but in the old days (last year) you’d put your sixty bucks in or whatever a soda goes for these days and the thing falls and you drink it. This new machine has this overly complex arm that takes a minute to rise up, a minute to move over, a minute to drop the drink into the pocket, a minute to move the pocket over and down to the dispenser thingy, and then, after you’ve lost interest, gives you your drink. I hate things that are “better” by doing less of what they’re supposed to. It’s like playing the arm-grabby thing at a Chucky Cheese to get my damn drink!

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Aquafina has this new vending machine, I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but in the old days (last year) you’d put your sixty bucks in or whatever a soda goes for these days and the thing falls and you drink it. This new machine has this overly complex arm that takes a minute to rise up, a minute to move over, a minute to drop the drink into the pocket, a minute to move the pocket over and down to the dispenser thingy, and then, after you’ve lost interest, gives you your drink. I hate things that are “better” by doing less of what they’re supposed to. It’s like playing the arm-grabby thing at a Chucky Cheese to get my damn drink! Why must things get further away from their purpose in order to be more “convenient.” A year ago I got the best thing a coffee drinker can get, a percolator. It has a line with a number for water that corresponds to the number inside the can that you put your grounds in, match them up and you have fuckup proof GREAT coffee, and no filter, it’s a metal can you wash out. How do we make this better? Make you have to buy filters and guess how much coffee corresponds to how much water, and make it taste like shit in the process (everything tastes like Starbucks out of a percolator). Consumers need to protest when “different” is passed off as “better.” It’s a toothbrush, it’s the simplest device known to man, sorry you got in a business with no room for legitimate innovation, not my problem.

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