The Behind-The-Times Times: Pirates 3 Is A Pun That Begins With Arrrrrr

Okay, it took this long to see Pirates 3 and Fantastic Four 2. Loved them both, FF2 was a given because live-action superhero movies need merely be well-intentioned for me to like them. Did anybody watch the tv movie Captain America when you were a kid? With Reb “Uncommon Valor” Brown? Fantastic Four 2 was miles past that, but there was something in it that gave me the same kind of thrill. Like I kind of want to tape it on VHS and have some fat comicon nerd run it through whatever machine they run the millions of copies of The Star Wars Christmas Special through

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Okay, it took this long to see Pirates 3 and Fantastic Four 2. Loved them both, FF2 was a given because live-action superhero movies need merely be well-intentioned for me to like them. Did anybody watch the tv movie Captain America when you were a kid? With Reb “Uncommon Valor” Brown? Fantastic Four 2 was miles past that, but there was something in it that gave me the same kind of kiddie thrill. Like I kind of want to tape it on VHS and have some fat comicon nerd run it through whatever machine they run the millions of copies of The Star Wars Christmas Special through and watch it that way. Add some 70’s tv buzz and Paul Thomas Anderson’s dad announcing it as coming up next after Sha-Na-Na. It might be even more fun that way, it certainly was fun to describe. It certainly had a plot on par with The Trial Of The Incredible Hulk, I mean can Dr. Doom get a fucking plan in one of these movies? His only plan in the first one was, take out The Thing, THEN take out Reed, THEN take out Sue, THEN.., and in this one it’s “must Get The Silver Surfer’s board to…fly around with…and yell about how much power I have…” Sure the Fantastic Four has to get the board back…or the surfer will die, THAT’S real motivation, but wouldn’t it be a little more exciting if Doom were using the board to execute some master plan? That they ALSO had to stop? (this was my note for the first one too, had no way of getting it to them) Maybe make the audience wonder for ONE SECOND if the good guys will win? Or just give Doom some purpose? He is the most worthless character in these movies. Anyway, I’ve spent this whole review of Pirates 3 talking about the movie I saw after it. But that’s good, because the only problem I had with Fantastic Four 2 is what’s really brilliant about with Pirates 3. Check back later.

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