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I am Buying a Car from Eastern Motors
Lavar Arrington AND Brendan Haywood shop at Eastern Motors? I’m in. (thanks to Josh for the link).
Richard Jewell we hardly knew you.
Richard Jewell has a very special place amongst Schadenfreude. Many many years ago we were all really young and performing in what is now Stargaze in Andersonville. It was our first fifteen shows, and we wanted to be topical, we wanted to RIP from the headlines. We were also new at this. Yes, we did a Richard Jewell sketch to tie into the Nagano Olympics.
Dicky Simpkins – You My Hero!
Remember Dicky Simpkins? Bulls Fans do. Well, really astute Bulls fans who loved watching mop up time or got super drunk playing drinking games based on how many free throws he could miss. Well, in this AWESOME PSA, Dicky is telling us how to be a good Dad. As a new Dad, he’s right. Best part? He makes the free throw at the end. DRINK! (Thanks Mike who lifted from Deadspin).
Toyota Needs to Take a Class in Realism
Maybe it’s me, but I like realism in my commercials. For instance, the new Toyota commercial where the woman looks up and KEYS are raining from the sky? If it were raining keys, a ton of people would be hurt. Some might even die. So…maybe think about that next time you carpet-blast your commercial all over network TV. I hate you Toyota!
Do You Agree to My Birth Story Terms?
It occurred to me that I haven’t had much to say about being a Dad. Julie wrote a great sum-up of the birth which takes me off the hook for newborn details. It’s a detailed romp through our most private moments. Read it and you will know the intimate details of my son’s birth. That also means, by reading it, that you take a vested interest in his life and need to be responsible for remembering birthdays, attending recreational sporting events and choir. You will also be asked to help Miles in all ways possible when it comes to connections. That includes putting up room and board, offering free food and beverages, approving college applications and non-interest financial aid, getting out of speeding tickets, securing city lifeguard jobs, fudging time cards and offering tickets to Wicked’s backstage tour (which doesn’t even go backstage, by the way). If you agree to this and you agree to texting your vote every single night for Miles’ when he is on “So You Think You Can Dance 12″, then you can read this. Cool?
Good Morning.
Touchdown Jesus.
Blurry Out-Of-Focus Photographs Of Celebrities
Paul Reubens in prior to a screening of Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure at the Hollywood Forever Cemetary
Schadenfreude.net Reader, I’m going home to sleep with my wife.
Picture from Clue
NSFW – Kevin Smith
I saw this and was reminded of one of the most horrific places I’ve ever been. The Mystery Men panel at the 1999 Chicago Comicon. I’ve never been more ashamed in my life. If you remember, the movie had an exciting cast, William H. Macy, Ben Stiller, Janeane Garofalo, Paul Reubens, Hank Azaria, and a few others.
Can I Come Out From the Basement Now?
Now that mini-Katrina is over, can we please address some bullshit? So local media, even though there is a tornado and high winds and a super pressing need to communicate as a valued public service, you still choose to ONLY interrupt programming and NEVER interrupt commercials. Why is it that news never breaks into commercials? I was willing to look past it before but this was semi-serious and you guys let the Nissan “Zoom Zoom” commercials go. I don’t get it. I think weather is more important than greed. But maybe that’s just me (said in my best gravelly Grabowski voice).
Lance Wasn’t Alone the Other Night
Lance! Lance? Lance! Why you runnin? Help me out of my side man?!!! I told you I can’t drive stick! Lance, don’t you pin this on me!!!!!!!
I’m done thinking about breakfast.
I’m done thinking about breakfast. I’m now ordering whatever you’re having. I’m done thinking about it, I just don’t care that much. How bad a breakfast could you possibly come up with? What variation on pan, cake, sausage, cheese, egg, toast, and hash are you going to choose that’s going to make me go “oh, I’m not eating THAT.”
They started cryin’ and they were all over me. lt was kinda horrifyin’, Schadenfreude.net Reader.
A picture from Raising Arizona
Point/Counter-Point: Owen Wilson
Stinky The Cat Says: …scratch, hack, retch, poop. Owen Wilson is a millionaire who bangs Playmates. Cry me a river bitch.
Cutie Cat Says: …roll, play, cuddle, purr, mew, purr, mo’ money mo’ problems.
Hey, I’m headed to the Outlet Mall…
Anybody need anything?
Khakis from Van Heusen?
Big Dog t-shirt?
Book for a dollar?
Shitty motorcycle jacket? Anybody?
Stripey sheets?
Mikasa Plates?
Bass moccassins?
Poncho?
Sunburn?
Two dollar candy bar? I’m going, I can bring something back…
The flu?
Shitty baby diapers?
Cowboy’s red bandana?
Map of the Outlet Mall?
Silence of the Lamborghini
I can’t take credit for that awesome title, it’s from the Sun-Times! Star Chicago Bear Lance Briggs broke his car the other night. He ran from the accident scene. Now, he got a ticket for improper lane usage. And the Chicago media has gone super crazy over it. It’s the front page of everything, lead story on the news and the fodder for columnists in every form. But c’mon. Seriously, we care that much about a dude who crashed his lamborghini? We should be laughing at him, not worrying about controversy. Last I heard, Lamborghinis are hard to drive. Plus you add some vodka and a lovely lady playing with your johnson? Even harder. Give him a break. You are just jealous, reporter. We all wish we could crash our italian car and run into the woods. Shit, I put that on my career “wish list” once. Briggs, if you need a place to lay low, you can come over to my pad. We are in bed by 10:30 because of the baby though. But I got Madden 01 on Nintendo.
Good Morning.
Mitchell from MST3K
Thanks 90’s
Small Soldiers
Quick, while this bit’s still warm
I’ve now had this exact exchange five times and I haven’t even gotten to the office yet. Everyone always brings up how Owen Wilson had everything. I don’t know anything, I don’t care. I like his movies and discussing this feels like a Paris Hilton conversation. But I just had someone ask me if I heard about Owen Wilson and I said “Yeah, I heard he was lost in the African Congo.” Just to hear them correct you. It’s fun.
Schadenfreude.net Reader, you c***sucker. I work for Dick Jones. DICK JONES!
A photo from Robocop